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November 12 2026 1.08pm

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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)


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lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 17 Nov 13 12.54pm

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cases of beer cheap

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a petrol station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
rednblueblood 17 Nov 13 11.23pm

Tom is cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. Cop pulls him over.

"Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home."

"What?! You're intoxicated?"

"Well I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though, I managed to fit the body in the trunk."

"Sir, keep your hands where I can see them. Give me your license and registration right now."

"Well I would but it's in the glove box where I threw the gun, it's still pretty bloody and I don't want it to fall out until it's dried."

"Do. Not. Move. I'm calling for back-up."

Back-up gets there. Second officer gets out, and says

"Sir, please open your trunk."

Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle.

"Please show me your glove box."

Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license and registration.

"I'll need you to take a breathalyzer."

Tom blows a .00

"Well what's going on? This officer said you had a dead body in the trunk, a bloody gun in the glove box and were drunk."

Tom says,

"Ha, I bet he said I was speeding, too.

 

In dog beers I’ve only had one.
Harpo Flag Oxfordshire 05 Dec 13 1.07pm

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch
a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over and sign for Liverpool.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to
Newcastle with only 20 minutes left.

The manager gives the young
Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in
20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players are delighted and the coach is delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones
his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played
for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful' says his mum, 'Let me tell
you about my day'. 'Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle'. 'Your brother has joined a local gang of
looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say
mum, but I'm really sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum. 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

 
cpfcarcher Flag Crouch End 05 Dec 13 4.31pm

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Quote Hoof Hearted at 14 Nov 2013 2.37pm

I got injured at the circus when the bearded lady fired a dwarf out of a cannon who landed on my head.

On the "Where's there's blame there's a claim" basis I tried to claim for compensation but the judge said it was a freak accident.


 

"He’s a footballer who wants to play football, which obviously helps" – Tony Pulis
cpfcarcher Flag Crouch End 05 Dec 13 4.33pm

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Quote cpfcarcher at 05 Dec 2013 4.31pm

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Quote Hoof Hearted at 14 Nov 2013 2.37pm

I got injured at the circus when the bearded lady fired a dwarf out of a cannon who landed on my head.

On the "Where's there's blame there's a claim" basis I tried to claim for compensation but the judge said it was a freak accident.



 

"He’s a footballer who wants to play football, which obviously helps" – Tony Pulis
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 05 Dec 13 6.25pm

On a bitterly cold winter’s morning a husband and wife who lived in Dublin, Ireland were listening to the radio during breakfast.They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the road, so the snow ploughs can get through.
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12
inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the road,so the snow ploughs can get through.”
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power
went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes
exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the car
in the garage this time ?"

Edited by lanzarote ron (05 Dec 2013 6.26pm)

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
rednblueblood 07 Dec 13 7.44pm

Isn't it nice and heart warming that because of Nelson Mandela's sad passing the Manchester united fans had a 90 minutes silence today.

 

In dog beers I’ve only had one.
eaglesforward Flag thailand 07 Dec 13 7.51pm

Heard the joke about the suitcase,
better not tell you , you might get carried away.

 

don't feed the seagulls

becky Flag over the moon 09 Dec 13 2.22pm

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales . At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch. One said to the waitress

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us by pronouncing where we are but very, very, very slowly please?"

The girl leaned over and said,'Burrr...gurrr...king'

 

A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers
Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 11 Dec 13 11.42am

I see the new Cliff Richards festive record is out, "Jesus Christ it's Christmas again!".

 

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial
Southampton_Eagle Flag At the after party 11 Dec 13 11.49am

My dad's a proper man. When I was 14 I came home & said "Dad! I lost my virginity today!" He said "I'm proud of you son, I'm going to buy you a new bike. I'm sorry but you'll have to wait until next pay day" "That's alright Dad" I said. "I don't think I'm going to be able to sit down for a week"

 
CrystalMH Flag Tooting 11 Dec 13 12.57pm

Having been accused of being involved in a football betting scandal, DJ Campbell has come out and expressed that he is innocent and is hoping to play in Saturday's 2-2 draw with Millwall.

 

@mallett1991

Premierleagles!
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 13 Dec 13 9.59pm

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
"So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall ."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Thames ."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says ,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the prat had a paper round!"

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 13 Dec 13 10.04pm

The Pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the rugby – who shall I say is calling?"

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
Southampton_Eagle Flag At the after party 15 Dec 13 2.54am

Went to see my doctor about my premature ejaculation problem. He asked how my wife is dealing with it. "At first she took it on the chin but increasingly it's getting on her tits"

 
Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 17 Dec 13 9.27pm

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or
screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
Mikeybaby Flag 18 Dec 13 12.20pm

This thread is starting to live up to its title.

 
rednblueblood 19 Dec 13 10.32pm

Ian Watkins gets 35 years in jail.

On the plus side, his girlfriend will be 37 when he gets out.

 

In dog beers I’ve only had one.
Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 21 Dec 13 1.04pm

The Catholic Church has developed a new communion wafer with half the fat and a third less calories. It's called 'I can't believe it's not Jesus

 

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial
CrystalMH Flag Tooting 23 Dec 13 11.00am

I had trouble getting my new washing machine to work the other day. I couldn't get it throught the barriers at the tube station.

 

@mallett1991

Premierleagles!
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