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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Mongo Like Clunge Bumfuck City, Texas 01 Oct 14 12.33am
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Grggluhhgluh! Grgglugfrgghgluh! Edited by Mongo Like Clunge (01 Oct 2014 12.34am) WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Fear not; drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

Mongo Like Clunge

Bumfuck City, Texas 01 Oct 14 12.33am

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Grggluhhgluh! Grgglugfrgghgluh!

Edited by Mongo Like Clunge (01 Oct 2014 12.34am)

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Fear not; drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

Catfish Burgess Hill 02 Oct 14 8.33am
A dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse. “What type are you looking for?” asks owner “A female horth pleath” said dwarf Seller shows him a mare. “Nithe horth, can I thee her eythe?” Owner picks him up and shows him her eyes. “Nithe eyeth, can I thee her teeth?” Owner lifts him up and shows him her teeth. “Hmm nithe teeth, can I thee her twot?” He lifts him and shoves his head up the mares fanny, leaves it there for a few seconds and pulls it out a few seconds later. “I’ll wephwase that. Could I thee her wun awound?” Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Catfish

Burgess Hill 02 Oct 14 8.33am

A dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.
“What type are you looking for?” asks owner
“A female horth pleath” said dwarf
Seller shows him a mare. “Nithe horth, can I thee her eythe?” Owner picks him up and shows him her eyes.
“Nithe eyeth, can I thee her teeth?” Owner lifts him up and shows him her teeth.
“Hmm nithe teeth, can I thee her twot?” He lifts him and shoves his head up the mares fanny, leaves it there for a few seconds and pulls it out a few seconds later.

“I’ll wephwase that. Could I thee her wun awound?”

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 02 Oct 14 1.27pm
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid." The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." "OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question." The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!" So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!" “Well there you have it, son," said his dad. “Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a queer." Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 02 Oct 14 1.27pm

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so
he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between
'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your
mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she
said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a
million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same
question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
“Well there you have it, son," said his dad. “Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a queer."

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

BudgiesBeak London 04 Oct 14 12.14pm
I bumped into an old mate today. I asked "What you up to these days?" He replied "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, piss-heads and down & outs." I said "Are you working in a charity drop-in centre?" He says "No, I'm a chef at Wetherspoons."

BudgiesBeak

London 04 Oct 14 12.14pm

I bumped into an old mate today.
I asked "What you up to these days?"
He replied "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, piss-heads and down & outs."
I said "Are you working in a charity drop-in centre?"
He says "No, I'm a chef at Wetherspoons."

Catfish Burgess Hill 14 Oct 14 8.17am
I am devastated by the death of my pet mouse Elvis last night. He was caught in a trap. Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Catfish

Burgess Hill 14 Oct 14 8.17am

I am devastated by the death of my pet mouse Elvis last night. He was caught in a trap.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Palacetinian Surrey Fam 15 Oct 14 1.06pm
Tim Vine on football.... "So I was playing football on the airplane, out there on the wing!" More in this great routine... [Link] Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 15 Oct 14 1.06pm

Tim Vine on football....

"So I was playing football on the airplane, out there on the wing!"

More in this great routine... [Link]

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Red-Blue-Yellow Surrey 15 Oct 14 9.45pm
Have you heard the one about Dougie Freedman coming back to Palace? I also enjoy posting on: Love Everton Forum, the Acceptable Face of Scouse Football. [Link] twitter.com/LuvEvertonForum Come and give it a look, new members would be lovely. Come and JOIN. Or they'll nick your telly.

Red-Blue-Yellow

Surrey 15 Oct 14 9.45pm

Have you heard the one about Dougie Freedman coming back to Palace?

I also enjoy posting on: Love Everton Forum, the Acceptable Face of Scouse Football.
[Link]
twitter.com/LuvEvertonForum
Come and give it a look, new members would be lovely.
Come and JOIN.
Or they'll nick your telly.

Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 30 Oct 14 6.45pm
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby. ************************ I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening." ******************************* Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 30 Oct 14 6.45pm

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
**************************

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
*********************************
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

gonzo2 broadstairs 05 Nov 14 9.40pm
My Son asked me for a pet Spider for his Birthday... So I went to the local pet shop....they wanted £70 for one.... Sod that, I can get one cheaper off the web...

gonzo2

broadstairs 05 Nov 14 9.40pm

My Son asked me for a pet Spider for his Birthday...
So I went to the local pet shop....they wanted £70 for one....
Sod that, I can get one cheaper off the web...

gonzo2 broadstairs 05 Nov 14 9.40pm
I bought some Rocket salad yesterday, but I couldn't eat it as it had gone off....

gonzo2

broadstairs 05 Nov 14 9.40pm

I bought some Rocket salad yesterday, but I couldn't eat it as it had gone off....

lanzarote ron East Grinstead 08 Nov 14 7.23am
Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first ," says Mike "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're in the team for this Saturday." When you're dead you don't know you're dead. It is difficult only for the others. It's the same when you're stupid.

lanzarote ron

East Grinstead 08 Nov 14 7.23am

Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first ," says Mike
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Hoof Hearted 08 Nov 14 10.25am
Quote BudgiesBeak at 04 Oct 2014 12.14pm I bumped into an old mate today. I asked "What you up to these days?" He replied "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, piss-heads and down & outs." I said "Are you working in a charity drop-in centre?" He says "No, I'm a chef at Wetherspoons."

Hoof Hearted 08 Nov 14 10.25am

Quote BudgiesBeak at 04 Oct 2014 12.14pm

doi209 Fighting for the weak and innocent... 11 Nov 14 2.26pm
A man and wife are playing golf when the wife falls over. "I'm having a heart attack. Get help quickly !!" The husband telephones the clubhouse. He then continues to putt out. "Quick where's the help ?" says the wife. " You're lucky" says the husband "there's a doctor 4 holes behind us". "Where is he ?" " He'll be here soon. They're letting him play through"

doi209

Fighting for the weak and innocent... 11 Nov 14 2.26pm

A man and wife are playing golf when the wife falls over.
"I'm having a heart attack. Get help quickly !!"
The husband telephones the clubhouse. He then continues to putt out.
"Quick where's the help ?" says the wife.

" You're lucky" says the husband "there's a doctor 4 holes behind us".

"Where is he ?"

" He'll be here soon. They're letting him play through"

Superfly The sun always shines in Catford 12 Nov 14 3.44pm
The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on sundial. Lend me a Tenor 31 May to 3 June 2017 John McIntosh Arts Centre London Oratory School SW6 1RX with Superfly in the chorus [Link]

Superfly

The sun always shines in Catford 12 Nov 14 3.44pm

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

Catfish Burgess Hill 13 Nov 14 7.17pm
Quote Superfly at 12 Nov 2014 3.44pm The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on sundial. Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Catfish

Burgess Hill 13 Nov 14 7.17pm

Quote Superfly at 12 Nov 2014 3.44pm

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Hoof Hearted 15 Nov 14 9.42am
Quote Catfish at 13 Nov 2014 7.17pm Quote Superfly at 12 Nov 2014 3.44pm The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on sundial.

Hoof Hearted 15 Nov 14 9.42am

Quote Catfish at 13 Nov 2014 7.17pm

Quote Superfly at 12 Nov 2014 3.44pm

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

BudgiesBeak London 15 Nov 14 3.22pm
The Premature Ejaculation Society's annual dinner is tonight. There's no dress code - just come in your pants.

BudgiesBeak

London 15 Nov 14 3.22pm

The Premature Ejaculation Society's annual dinner is tonight. There's no dress code - just come in your pants.

lanzarote ron East Grinstead 16 Nov 14 6.19pm
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?” When you're dead you don't know you're dead. It is difficult only for the others. It's the same when you're stupid.

lanzarote ron

East Grinstead 16 Nov 14 6.19pm

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering
into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?”

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 17 Nov 14 12.02pm
Theives stole a truck full of viagra yesterday- Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 17 Nov 14 12.02pm

Theives stole a truck full of viagra yesterday-
Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

wollongongeagle wollongong 26 Nov 14 12.24pm
Someone hit me with a big bottle of Omega 3 pills. Luckily, I only suffered super fish oil injuries. We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!

wollongongeagle

wollongong 26 Nov 14 12.24pm

Someone hit me with a big bottle of Omega 3 pills.

Luckily, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!

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