My girlfriend texted me to say she was in casualty.

When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it. Never saw her once, think she is lying.

She's still not home yet. I'm starving.

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a New Zealander, a South African, a Croatian and an Algerian all went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."

The ''so called' experts on the BBC Food programme that said that the Onion is the only vegetable that can make your eyes water.......
Have clearly NEVER been hit in the bollocks by a Turnip....

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Dear Deirdre,

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Cardiff. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this; I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?

We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold...

Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Mate " In what sate was president kennedy in when he was shot ?"

Me " A terrible state"

Theres someone in my head ... But its not me

X/Box game Tag bazcpfc1961, clan (HMS)

Just as you can get insurance for Cars, Property, Sports etc. You can now get insurance for sex, so make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a sailor - Admiral

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability

Sex with an OAP - Saga

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident

and finally

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Make sure you are adequately covered!

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked:
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I
am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee nip of whisky on each hole, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed.
'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive
How old is he?'

He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had another wee dram, and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Sex with a Welshman - NFU Mutual

.

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!