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June 16 2019 6.02pm

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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View rednblueblood's Profile rednblueblood 09 Aug 15 7.38am Send a Private Message to rednblueblood Add rednblueblood as a friend

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arRVDdK_700b.jpg Attachment: arRVDdK_700b.jpg (61.85Kb)

 


Killing threads on here since 2005

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View Superfly's Profile Superfly Flag The sun always shines in Catford 10 Aug 15 8.13am Send a Private Message to Superfly Add Superfly as a friend

My girlfriend said to me, Will you stop singing Oasis songs!

I said maybe

 


Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

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View stateside's Profile stateside Flag Norfolk 10 Aug 15 8.18am Send a Private Message to stateside Add stateside as a friend

What do you call a Aussie with a bat in his hand.....................................................................A Vet

 

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View dannyh's Profile dannyh Flag wherever I lay my hat....... 10 Aug 15 2.53pm Send a Private Message to dannyh Add dannyh as a friend

Why do blondes have the biggest tits at senior school ?

There normally 30 years old.

 


"It's not the bullet that's got my name on it that concerns me; it's all them other ones flyin' around marked 'To Whom It May Concern.'"

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View Cannonball's Profile Cannonball Flag Oxley, Arkansas 11 Aug 15 3.05pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

Young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a pub.


He is stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
"You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"


"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

 


Liverpool-YNWA= You'll Never Win A title

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View dannyh's Profile dannyh Flag wherever I lay my hat....... 13 Aug 15 12.45pm Send a Private Message to dannyh Add dannyh as a friend

At a bar, some ugly mess comes over, pinches my arse and says "you alright sexy do you want my number".

I said "have you got a pen" ?

"Yes" she says.

I said " well you better f*** off back to it pronto then before the farmer notices your missing"

 


"It's not the bullet that's got my name on it that concerns me; it's all them other ones flyin' around marked 'To Whom It May Concern.'"

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Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 20 Aug 15 4.33pm

Tom had been a Sydney cop for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres in the middle of outback Aussie as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.' 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'. 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too.'
'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

 


Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

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Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 20 Aug 15 4.40pm

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’ Malley at St. Ann ‘s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...
Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”

 


Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

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View johnno42000's Profile johnno42000 Flag 20 Aug 15 7.52pm Send a Private Message to johnno42000 Add johnno42000 as a friend

If Airey Neave had married Kate Bush would they have named their daughter Airey Bush?

Edited by johnno42000 (20 Aug 2015 7.52pm)

 


'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'

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View Palacetinian's Profile Palacetinian Flag Surrey Fam 25 Aug 15 11.51am Send a Private Message to Palacetinian Add Palacetinian as a friend

The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe
"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
"Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child

 


Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

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Hoof Hearted 25 Aug 15 12.12pm

Quote Cannonball at 11 Aug 2015 3.05pm

Young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a pub.


He is stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
"You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"


"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."


Hahaha... a Bold attempt at humour young man!

 

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View Superfly's Profile Superfly Flag The sun always shines in Catford 25 Aug 15 12.32pm Send a Private Message to Superfly Add Superfly as a friend

I found a stray dog and attached to his collar was his name (Patch) and a telephone number. I called the number and said to the woman 'Do you have a dog called Patch?' She said 'Yes I do, but he's been missing for two days!' I said 'No problem - I'll try again tomorrow'

 


Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

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