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February 18 2019 10.29am

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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Hoof Hearted 26 Aug 15 4.43pm

Quote Superfly at 25 Aug 2015 12.32pm

I found a stray dog and attached to his collar was his name (Patch) and a telephone number. I called the number and said to the woman 'Do you have a dog called Patch?' She said 'Yes I do, but he's been missing for two days!' I said 'No problem - I'll try again tomorrow'


Nope....... this is my 4th attempt to find this joke funny..........not happening

 

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View Superfly's Profile Superfly Flag The sun always shines in Catford 26 Aug 15 5.55pm Send a Private Message to Superfly Add Superfly as a friend

It's probably about time to jack it in then mate. Some jokes ain't worth it.

 


Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

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Hoof Hearted 27 Aug 15 10.04am

Quote Superfly at 26 Aug 2015 5.55pm

It's probably about time to jack it in then mate. Some jokes ain't worth it.


Thanks Super........ maybe my mojo aint working?

 

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View Superfly's Profile Superfly Flag The sun always shines in Catford 27 Aug 15 1.42pm Send a Private Message to Superfly Add Superfly as a friend

I wouldn't go doubting your Mojo Hoof, I think it was a poor choice in hindsight. I heard it by Michael Redmond doing stand up on a random Youtube vid and cracked up but I think it needs to be delivered in a dopey Irish accent. I also had a fit of giggles last night at a joke in Mind Your Language so I don't think I should be used as any comedy barometer.

As luck would have it - I've just found a transcript of the M.Y.L. joke.

Excuse me Mr. Brown! Do you mind if I intrude for a moment?
No, not at all
The school is holding a draw next weekend - And I'm selling tickets for it
Excuse me. This drawer you are selling tickets for?
Yes?
What sort of drawer is it? ls it from dressing table or what?
It's not that sort of drawer Ranjeet. It's a raffle
A thousand apologies
It's in a very good cause! The old aged pensioners Ticets are 10p each! Who's going to buy some? What about you Mr. Singh?
Thank you but I must decline
But it's for the old age pensioners
Yes but what am I going to do with one if I win?

Edited by Superfly (27 Aug 2015 1.43pm)

 


Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

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Hoof Hearted 27 Aug 15 4.56pm

Quote Superfly at 27 Aug 2015 1.42pm

I wouldn't go doubting your Mojo Hoof, I think it was a poor choice in hindsight. I heard it by Michael Redmond doing stand up on a random Youtube vid and cracked up but I think it needs to be delivered in a dopey Irish accent. I also had a fit of giggles last night at a joke in Mind Your Language so I don't think I should be used as any comedy barometer.

As luck would have it - I've just found a transcript of the M.Y.L. joke.

Excuse me Mr. Brown! Do you mind if I intrude for a moment?
No, not at all
The school is holding a draw next weekend - And I'm selling tickets for it
Excuse me. This drawer you are selling tickets for?
Yes?
What sort of drawer is it? ls it from dressing table or what?
It's not that sort of drawer Ranjeet. It's a raffle
A thousand apologies
It's in a very good cause! The old aged pensioners Ticets are 10p each! Who's going to buy some? What about you Mr. Singh?
Thank you but I must decline
But it's for the old age pensioners
Yes but what am I going to do with one if I win?

Edited by Superfly (27 Aug 2015 1.43pm)


Very "Bland"

Hahaha....... get it?

 

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Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 29 Aug 15 10.20am

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little w***ers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough!!..

 


Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

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Hoof Hearted 29 Aug 15 10.40am

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some of the males actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!", he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!

Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Craggy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

“Oh, no" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

 

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Hoof Hearted 29 Aug 15 10.44am

A man went to an urologist and told him that he was having a problem - he was unable to get his plonker erect.

The doctor checked him out, then told him that the muscles around the base of his plonker were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's plonker.

The man thought about if for a while.

The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic lunch with his wife and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his plonker immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

His wife was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse..."


Edited by Hoof Hearted (29 Aug 2015 10.44am)

 

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Hoof Hearted 29 Aug 15 10.47am

A Glasgow woman dials 999 and requests an ambulance.

The operator enquires as to the nature of the emergency and the woman replies that she is pregnant.

"Madam, you can't have an ambulance just because you are pregnant" replies the operator.

"Aye I know" says the woman "but ma waters have burst!".

"Oh, right well that's a different matter" says the operator, "Where are you ringing from?"

Woman replies...................."Fae ma fanny tae ma feet!!!!"

 

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Hoof Hearted 29 Aug 15 10.52am

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes" the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

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View Cannonball's Profile Cannonball Flag Oxley, Arkansas 05 Sep 15 10.05pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

Two blondes were going to Disneyland.
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started Crying... And turned around and went home.
¨*********************************

A blonde pushes Her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on It for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What's the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the Injectors.”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
***********************************
In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke,
she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

 


Liverpool-YNWA= You'll Never Win A title

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View Red-Blue-Yellow's Profile Red-Blue-Yellow Flag Shirley 05 Sep 15 11.14pm Send a Private Message to Red-Blue-Yellow Add Red-Blue-Yellow as a friend

Dave died of a heart attack.
The next thing he was aware of was heat and the smell of sulphur. He opened his eyes to see a small,ugly Demon sitting on a rock grinning at him.
" I'm in Hell, aren't I" he said.
" Certainly are" said the Demon.
" Damn" said Dave.
"Well, you are damned but don't get too depressed, we have a lot of fun here in Hell. Do you like a drink?"
" Yes, I'm very fond of a drop or two, probably one reason I'm here" replied Dave.
" Great" said the Demon, "You'll love Mondays down here then. We drink all day, get legless, drunk as lords and not a worry about your liver 'cos you're already dead!"
"Wow, sounds great" said a rapidly cheering up Dave.
"Do you like a smoke?" asked the Demon.
"Yes, 40 a day man me, another nail in my coffin you might say".
"Lovely, then you'll really enjoy Tuesdays. Smoke what you like, finest hand-rolled Virginia cigarettes, Havana cigars, whatever you like and again, no worries about lung csncer or heart disease 'cos you're already dead".
" Fantastic" said Dave.
"How about gambling? Did you enjoy a flutter Dave?"
"Oh yes, had a bit of trouble with that actually" Dave replied, remembering a few scrapes he'd got into.
"Well Wednesdays are right up your street then. We bet on anything, horses, football, dogs, politics, the weather and anything else that takes our fancy".
"I'm liking this more and more" said Dave.
"Now Dave, are you by any chance Gay?" asked the Demon
"Eh, no" replied Dave
"You are going to hate Thursdays then"

 


I also enjoy posting on: Love Everton Forum, the Acceptable Face of Scouse Football.
[Link]
twitter.com/LuvEvertonForum
Come and give it a look, new members would be lovely.
Come and JOIN.
Or they'll nick your telly.

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