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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2


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palace_in_frogland Flag In a broken dream 13 Feb 20 7.57pm

I was chatting with a diver the other day. I asked him why they always fell backwards off the boat.

He thought about it, and said “well, if we fell forwards, we’d still be in the boat.”

 
Forest Hillbilly Flag in a hidey-hole 13 Feb 20 8.02pm

what is brown and sticky,.....?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
. a stick

 

I disengage, I turn the page.
HeathMan Flag Purley 15 Feb 20 12.09am

Hopefully the copy and paste works. sadly drawings have not come across

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

as he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 
Zimeagle Flag Harare 01 Mar 20 2.13pm

A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet. Finally, it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons because the waitresses were attractive, the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons because there was plenty of parking, they cou;ld dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons because the restaurant had wheelchair access and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons because they had never been there before.

 
HeathMan Flag Purley 02 Mar 20 12.40am

Like

 
BudgiesBeak Flag London 09 Mar 20 8.36am

I went to the supermarket earlier today, and I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger pushing a trolley piled high with toilet rolls. I went up to him and said "Arnie, where did you get those loo rolls from?"
He said "Aisle B, back."

 
Nicholas91 Flag The Democratic Republic of Kent 10 Mar 20 8.35am

Originally posted by BudgiesBeak

I went to the supermarket earlier today, and I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger pushing a trolley piled high with toilet rolls. I went up to him and said "Arnie, where did you get those loo rolls from?"
He said "Aisle B, back."

Funny I saw Arnie eating a Cadbury's cream egg at the weekend. I said to him "I bet I know what your favourite holiday of the year is!" and he said to me "You have to love Easter, baby!"

 

Now Zaha's got a bit of green grass ahead of him here... and finds Ambrose... not a bad effort!!!!
HeathMan Flag Purley 18 Mar 20 7.28am

This may help to fill those hours we have to spend at home.

[Link]

 
Charlie Croker Flag Hampshire 19 Mar 20 2.41pm

Who was the first composer to catch Corona virus?


Drycoughski

 

“My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres; it’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you’re lucky."
rednblueblood 29 Mar 20 7.25am

.

DDF76945-EC32-434F-A688-4C377C74F011.jpeg Attachment: DDF76945-EC32-434F-A688-4C377C74F011.jpeg (49.87Kb)

 

In dog beers I’ve only had one.
BudgiesBeak Flag London 14 Apr 20 8.32pm

Earlier today I told the missus that I was bored being stuck in the house all day because of the lockdown.
She said "Why don't you make a bird table?"
So I did. Now she's angry because I only put her in 5th place.

 
BudgiesBeak Flag London 08 Jun 20 1.43pm

"I wish I'd listened to the advice my old dad gave me when I was a boy."
"What was that?"
"I don't know, I wasn't listening."

 
BudgiesBeak Flag London 02 Aug 20 6.07pm

A man goes into a pub with an alligator under his arm. "Do you serve Brighton fans here?" he asks. "Certainly sir, no problem at all," replies the barman, nervously staring at the alligator.
"OK," says the man, "A pint of lager for me and a Brighton fan for the alligator."

 
Pete53 Flag Hassocks 02 Aug 20 10.41pm

I went to the hairdressers the other day. I asked him to cut my hair like Tom Cruise, so he put a big cushion on the barber's chair.

 
BudgiesBeak Flag London 30 Aug 20 3.31pm

Me and the missus are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing, I do the stealing.

 
BudgiesBeak Flag London 17 Sep 20 10.33am

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."
"Describe the symptoms."
"Well - Homer's the middle-aged dad with the bald head and pot belly, Marge is his wife with the tall blue hair, Bart is their bratty son with the spiky hair..."

 
Zimeagle Flag Harare 23 Sep 20 3.29pm

The inventor of the sexual innuendo has sadly passed away today

His wife is taking it really hard.

 
Daddyorc Flag Atlantic Highlands, NJ 23 Sep 20 4.13pm

Man walks into the kitchen and tells his wife to follow him into the living room.

He walks in and sits down on the couch and puts his arm around a chicken. He then says "Honey, this is the pig I've been sleeping with".

His wife says "You idiot, that's a chicken!".

Man says "I wasn't talking to you!"

 
BlueJay Flag UK 25 Sep 20 3.12am

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

 
BlueJay Flag UK 25 Sep 20 3.13am

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat

 
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