Today I asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "f+ck you"
So I'm pretty excited about 2017.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

"Ten Commandments".

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

There! That should upset just about everybody!!....

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant’s office and tells him that
she needs to file her tax Returns.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few
questions.”
He gets her name, address etc.
And then asks,”What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is taken aback and says, “That's too gross. Let’s try to
re-phrase that."

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

“No, that still won’t work. Need something more acceptable."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry
farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do, with being a
prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

Chartered Acct :“ Brilliant !!! Poultry Farmer it is!!!
and agricultural income is tax free.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million and I think she could be right."Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!You've just made my day. 
Now I know I can handle the bad news.
What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you shagging your secretary." 
 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Brains for sale

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member lay
gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said
as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the news. After a great length of time, someone
asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, ' £ 5,000 for
a male brain, and £200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the
roo m tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some
actually smirked. A man unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'
;
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group,
'It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've actually been used.'


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal when he finally retires and never be seen or heard from again.

The McCanns have offered to help.

When I was a young girl my Mother said to me.. You listen here kid you're CPFC