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March 27 2019 2.22am

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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View MKCPFC's Profile MKCPFC Flag Spain/MK 06 Nov 17 8.35am Send a Private Message to MKCPFC Add MKCPFC as a friend

Originally posted by BudgiesBeak

The receptionist at the fertility clinic asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup. I said "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition just yet!"


 

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View johnno42000's Profile johnno42000 Flag 06 Nov 17 9.28am Send a Private Message to johnno42000 Add johnno42000 as a friend

Originally posted by BudgiesBeak

The receptionist at the fertility clinic asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup. I said "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready for competition just yet!"

 


'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 14 Dec 17 11.03pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

The Premature Ejaculation Society's Christmas dinner is tonight. There's no dress code - just come in your pants.

 

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chateauferret Flag 15 Dec 17 1.19am

I got into a taxi in Glasgow and the driver was Polish.

It was a hot day in summer and he was wearing a big red furry hat with a bushy tail hanging down at the back. I thought it was strange to wear such a thing in hot weather, so I asked him why he was wearing it.

And he said, "When I come here from Poland the customers hear my accent and ask, where am I from. And I say, Gdansk. And then they always give me the same advice".

"Oh! What advice is that?"

"Wear a fox hat".

Edited by chateauferret (15 Dec 2017 1.22am)

 


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The Ferret
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View HeathMan's Profile HeathMan Flag Purley 19 Dec 17 10.55am Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!

 

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chateauferret Flag 21 Dec 17 8.20pm

Rich businessman from Sussex rocks up at a Scottish country hotel in his Jaguar. Drives up the short driveway, parks and gives his car to the concierge.

As he gets out he says "I thought your grounds would be bigger than this. When I go to my house in Sussex it takes me forty minutes to drive from the main road to the front door!".

"Aye", quips the concierge. "Ah used tae have a motor lik that an aw."

 


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The Ferret
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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 11 Jan 18 5.20pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

Last night I dreamt that I was drowning in orangeade. Then I woke up and realized that it was a Fanta sea.

 

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View monkey's Profile monkey Flag 27 Jan 18 3.46pm Send a Private Message to monkey Add monkey as a friend

Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants??

Because Chernobyl fall out

 

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View Cannonball's Profile Cannonball Flag Oxley, Arkansas 04 Apr 18 6.11pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

My wife says she’s going to leave me because of my addiction to high stakes poker……………..I think she’s bluffing

For sale – one broken sat nav……………….I know it’s broken as it keeps telling me Tottenham is in Europe !

Just found out my late uncle has left me a stately manor in his will……….although I’ve no idea where Sod Hall is

Been trying all day to ring the “Keep Britain Tidy” office but nobody’s picking up


My mate reckons 40 is the new 30…….great bloke but banned from driving

 


Liverpool-YNWA= You'll Never Win A title

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View Badger11's Profile Badger11 Flag Beckenham 04 Apr 18 7.57pm Send a Private Message to Badger11 Add Badger11 as a friend

My all time favourite bad joke

Why have elephants got big ears?


Because Noddy refuses to pay the ransom.

 


One more point

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chateauferret Flag 04 Apr 18 10.01pm

God challenged the Devil to a football match.

"We'll win, of course", He quipped.

"Zat right?" said the Devil. "How?"

"Haven't you seen how all the best players make the sign of the Cross before they go on the pitch? They're all Mine, you know. All the best players in the world are Christians and I can take My pick from anyone I like".

"Oh, aye. So You can. But You've forgotten one thing."

"What's that, then?" asked God.

"Where do You think all the referees go when they pass on?"

Edited by chateauferret (04 Apr 2018 10.02pm)

 


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The Ferret
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View HeathMan's Profile HeathMan Flag Purley 06 Apr 18 4.19pm Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

Recent posts have reminded me that more jokes ar4e needed. Here is something.

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bulls*** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'






 

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