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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2


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GlaziertoEagle Flag Coventry 08 Sep 15 6.25pm

[Link]

 
Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 18 Sep 15 7.39pm

Highly believable

image.jpg Attachment: image.jpg (132.46Kb)

 

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial
rednblueblood 18 Sep 15 7.46pm

Viz? Càtfish.

 

In dog beers I’ve only had one.
Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 18 Sep 15 9.06pm

Quote rednblueblood at 18 Sep 2015 7.46pm

Viz? Càtfish.


Yes. Should have said that, sorry.

 

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial
Harpo Flag Oxfordshire 19 Sep 15 1.09am

I was making the tea at work and asked a colleague if he took sugar.

'Don't mind, either way' he replied.

'Oh, you must be ambidextrose', I exclaimed.

 
Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 19 Sep 15 3.23pm

Quote Harpo at 19 Sep 2015 1.09am

I was making the tea at work and asked a colleague if he took sugar.

'Don't mind, either way' he replied.

'Oh, you must be ambidextrose', I exclaimed.


Oh tut!

 

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial
GooseGreenEagle Flag Los Angeles, CA 20 Sep 15 5.14am

- 'My wife suggested we go camping on the South Coast for two weeks this winter.'

- 'In Dorset?'

- 'No! It's a terrible idea!'

 
bubble wrap Flag Carparks in South East London 22 Sep 15 2.24pm

Quote GooseGreenEagle at 20 Sep 2015 5.14am

- 'My wife suggested we go camping on the South Coast for two weeks this winter.'

- 'In Dorset?'

- 'No! It's a terrible idea!'


??????????????

 
cpfcarcher Flag Crouch End 22 Sep 15 3.02pm

in same vein -

"My wife went to the Carribean a few weeks ago"

"Jamaica?"

"Nah she just decided to"

 

"He’s a footballer who wants to play football, which obviously helps" – Tony Pulis
GooseGreenEagle Flag Los Angeles, CA 22 Sep 15 4.01pm

Quote bubble wrap at 22 Sep 2015 2.24pm

Quote GooseGreenEagle at 20 Sep 2015 5.14am

- 'My wife suggested we go camping on the South Coast for two weeks this winter.'

- 'In Dorset?'

- 'No! It's a terrible idea!'


??????????????

'Endorse it?'

 
Mikeybaby Flag 23 Sep 15 10.20am

The missus went to Indonesia.

Jakarta?

No, she flew.

 
Hoof Hearted 23 Sep 15 10.32am

Quote GooseGreenEagle at 22 Sep 2015 4.01pm

Quote bubble wrap at 22 Sep 2015 2.24pm

Quote GooseGreenEagle at 20 Sep 2015 5.14am

- 'My wife suggested we go camping on the South Coast for two weeks this winter.'

- 'In Dorset?'

- 'No! It's a terrible idea!'


??????????????

'Endorse it?'


Always a bad sign when you have to explain your joke............

 
Palacetinian Flag Surrey Fam 23 Sep 15 8.54pm

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Palacetinian Flag Surrey Fam 23 Sep 15 9.05pm

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

 

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

GooseGreenEagle Flag Los Angeles, CA 24 Sep 15 4.49pm

Quote Hoof Hearted at 23 Sep 2015 10.32am

Quote GooseGreenEagle at 22 Sep 2015 4.01pm

Quote bubble wrap at 22 Sep 2015 2.24pm

Quote GooseGreenEagle at 20 Sep 2015 5.14am

- 'My wife suggested we go camping on the South Coast for two weeks this winter.'

- 'In Dorset?'

- 'No! It's a terrible idea!'


??????????????

'Endorse it?'


Always a bad sign when you have to explain your joke............

Mate, I've got millions more of these and they only get worse.

Anyway I thought it was supposed to be a crap joke thread!

 
Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 26 Sep 15 12.40pm

I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about.

I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of Allah and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra;

"You will walk this day".

Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside -- and f#ck me -- my car was gone!

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 26 Sep 15 12.48pm

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit.
The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says,
"Who was the selfish b****** that did this to you? I demand to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call .Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house.
A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them,

"Your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."

He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jeweller Stores and a £25m bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"

All is silent at this point,
The mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him,

"You'll just have to try again, won't you!!."

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
wollongongeagle Flag wollongong 01 Oct 15 12.07pm

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Aaaaaah
Aaaaaah who?
Werewolves of London

 

We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!
richard shaw (og)65 Flag my minds eye 01 Oct 15 12.44pm

my job as a bingo caller isn't going to well , some of the punters taking a bit of an objection to my slightly off the wall calling , one of them being " hair on her muff , fair enough , 15 "

 

interviewer " iggy , do you think you influenced anybody?"
iggy pop " I think I wiped out the 60`S "

Calzardi Flag Croydon 01 Oct 15 12.48pm

Caught an alien masturbating in my freezer last night..

I said "What are you doing!?"

He replied "I come in peas!"

 

"DFS are selling Boat Sofa's. They've got a sail on."
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