You are here: Home > Message Board > General Talk > I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2
November 15 2019 6.34pm

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

Previous Topic | Next Topic


Page 7 of 34 < 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 >

 

View barber o'reilly's Profile barber o'reilly Flag Teenage Wasteland 20 Oct 15 7.45pm Send a Private Message to barber o'reilly Add barber o'reilly as a friend

Quote barber o'reilly at 20 Oct 2015 2.42pm

A Woman walks into a sex shop and the assistant asks if there is anything in particular she is looking for. Slightly embarrassed she replies that she would like to buy a vibrator. The assistant proceeds to bring out a selection of various models for her to look at . Coyly the Woman looks at them and then says , well actually there is one in the window I really like the look of. The assistant looking puzzled replies , can you show me ? The woman points it out to her and the assistant replies , well is The window cleaners Flask you are looking at , but I am sure you could make him an offer on it !

Addendum . And then the Woman replies , I don't know what it is today I cant seem to buy anything ,first the bloke in the Pet shop refuses to sell me a Wasp and now this !

 


Shed 7 - Maroon 5 . A real end to end encounter !

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post Quote this post in a reply
View davidmyboy's Profile davidmyboy Flag 20 Oct 15 11.50pm Send a Private Message to davidmyboy Add davidmyboy as a friend

A riddle!

If the answer to the question is "Cock Robin" What is the question!!!


Say whats that up my A** Batman!!!!!

 

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post Quote this post in a reply
View richard shaw (og)65's Profile richard shaw (og)65 Flag my minds eye 23 Oct 15 7.39am Send a Private Message to richard shaw (og)65 Add richard shaw (og)65 as a friend

i went to have my prostrate checked , i said to the doctor , where shall i leave my pants , he said , over there with mine

 


interviewer " iggy , do you think you influenced anybody?"
iggy pop " I think I wiped out the 60`S "

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post Quote this post in a reply
View cpfcarcher's Profile cpfcarcher Flag Crouch End 23 Oct 15 2.16pm Send a Private Message to cpfcarcher Add cpfcarcher as a friend

Who is the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultra sound operator.
..and the second coolest? The hip replacement guy.

 


"Hes a footballer who wants to play football, which obviously helps" Tony Pulis

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post Quote this post in a reply
View HeathMan's Profile HeathMan Flag Purley 25 Oct 15 10.28pm Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

One I found

THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter... Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post Quote this post in a reply
View HeathMan's Profile HeathMan Flag Purley 25 Oct 15 10.34pm Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

and another

Thoughtful Husband, not many of us left ........

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Jim
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Christine.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Christine to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points .

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Christine.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

JIM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby
His wife Christine was arrested and charged with murder

The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


 

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post Quote this post in a reply
View phil38's Profile phil38 Flag london 26 Oct 15 6.25pm Send a Private Message to phil38 Add phil38 as a friend

What do you call a bear with no teeth? -- A gummy bear!

 

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post Quote this post in a reply
View phil38's Profile phil38 Flag london 26 Oct 15 6.26pm Send a Private Message to phil38 Add phil38 as a friend

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

 

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post Quote this post in a reply
View rednblueblood's Profile rednblueblood 27 Oct 15 10.52pm Send a Private Message to rednblueblood Add rednblueblood as a friend

Why has Barbie never been pregnant.
Became Ken always comes in another box.

 


Killing threads on here since 2005

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post Quote this post in a reply
View Cannonball's Profile Cannonball Flag Oxley, Arkansas 29 Oct 15 8.53pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

A High School teacher reminded her pupils of the following days' final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but thats it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and s******ing.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

 


God looked down and said "things are bad,I need to give the world an enema,..now where exactly is Liverpool ? "

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Edit this post Quote this post in a reply
Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 03 Nov 15 8.49pm

A man buys a Budgie, It keeps repeating
Am a Glesga Budgie Im as hard as f***.

After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a Kestrel,
puts it in the cage and said Lets see how hard you are now.

Next morning the Kestrels dead, Budgie says,
Am a Glesga Budgie Im as hard as f***.

The Man buys a Buzzard puts it in the cage,
next morning the Buzzards dead and the Budgie says,
Am a Glesga Budgie Im as hard as f*** .

The man buys a Golden Eagle puts it in the cage,
next morning the Eagles dead and the Budgie has no feathers left?
Budgie says Hid tae take ma jaikit aff fur that c***

 


Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Quote this post in a reply
Hoof Hearted 04 Nov 15 9.09am

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle.
I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome.
No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

 

Alert Alert a moderator to this post Quote this post in a reply

 

Page 7 of 34 < 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 >

Previous Topic | Next Topic

You are here: Home > Message Board > General Talk > I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2