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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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becky over the moon 09 Dec 12 11.52am
DOG FOR SALE A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog for Sale.’ He rings the bell; the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. ... "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying b******. He's never been out of the garden." A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers

becky

over the moon 09 Dec 12 11.52am

DOG FOR SALE

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog for Sale.’ He rings the bell; the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

...
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years.”

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying b******. He's never been out of the garden."

A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers

Joseph Paxton Lancing 21 Dec 12 3.15pm
After no dates for 5 years Lynn goes to see Chinese Sex Therapist, Dr Chang. He says "Take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside of room." She does. "Ok craw reery reery fast back" As she did Dr Chang shook his head, "Yor probrem vewy vewy bad, worst case Ed Zachary disease I ever see, dat why you get no man." She says: "God! what's Ed Zachary disease?" Dr Chang says "Its when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse" Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.

Joseph Paxton

Lancing 21 Dec 12 3.15pm

After no dates for 5 years Lynn goes to see Chinese Sex Therapist, Dr Chang.

He says "Take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside of room."

She does. "Ok craw reery reery fast back"

As she did Dr Chang shook his head, "Yor probrem vewy vewy bad, worst case Ed Zachary disease I ever see, dat why you get no man."

She says: "God! what's Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang says "Its when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse"

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.

Crystal_Brother Overlooking a kingdom of Pagans 21 Dec 12 3.43pm
3 old ladies sitting on a wall, enjoying a chit chat. Man comes along in an old anorak, Flashes the old ladies.. In shock, 2 of the ladies had a stroke. But the other couldn't reach. "Floating endlessly in indefinite skies of grey, I have succommed to my misery, Gentleman in black, Please take me away. Draw a line on my page and promise not to weep. As an end is all I ever did seek."

Crystal_Brother

Overlooking a kingdom of Pagans 21 Dec 12 3.43pm

3 old ladies sitting on a wall, enjoying a chit chat.
Man comes along in an old anorak,
Flashes the old ladies..
In shock, 2 of the ladies had a stroke.
But the other couldn't reach.

"Floating endlessly in indefinite skies of grey,
I have succommed to my misery, Gentleman in black, Please take me away. Draw a line on my page and promise not to weep. As an end is all I ever did seek."

Catfish Burgess Hill 23 Dec 12 12.22pm
There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible" Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle. Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Catfish

Burgess Hill 23 Dec 12 12.22pm

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

miles18 Telford 28 Dec 12 9.25am
me: Hey Mike, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you have to answer either 'leave it', or 'take it' Mike: Ok. Me: You find £100,000 in a bag on the floor. Do you leave it, or take it? Mike: Leave it Me: Good answer, next one. Someone comes up to you and hands you the keys to a Ferrari and says 'It's yours', do you leave it or take it? Mike: Mmm...Take it! Me: Last question. There's a dick in your ass, do you leave it or take it? Mike: LEAV- I mean Ta- ...f*** you! .

miles18

Telford 28 Dec 12 9.25am

me: Hey Mike, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you have to answer either 'leave it', or 'take it'

Mike: Ok.

Me: You find £100,000 in a bag on the floor.
Do you leave it, or take it?

Mike: Leave it

Me: Good answer, next one. Someone comes up to you and hands you the keys to a Ferrari and says 'It's yours', do you leave it or take it?

Mike: Mmm...Take it!

Me: Last question. There's a dick in your ass, do you leave it or take it?

Mike: LEAV- I mean Ta- ...f*** you!

lanzarote ron East Grinstead 14 Jan 13 9.19pm
Some tosser has just written 'RETARD' in the snow on my windscreen. It's taken me ages to lick it off When you're dead you don't know you're dead. It is difficult only for the others. It's the same when you're stupid.

lanzarote ron

East Grinstead 14 Jan 13 9.19pm

Some tosser has just written 'RETARD' in the snow on my windscreen.

It's taken me ages to lick it off

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Deleagle "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 14 Jan 13 10.31pm
Ive been in my attic and found a copy of a 1974 Radio Times, or the sex register as it is now called. What can this strange device be? When I touch it it gives forth a sound. Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2 - =

Deleagle

"Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 14 Jan 13 10.31pm

Ive been in my attic and found a copy of a 1974 Radio Times, or the sex register as it is now called.

What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.

Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

rednblueblood 17 Jan 13 12.04pm
As a child i was taken to church on a regular basis,i could not bear all the standing up,sitting down,kneeling.I wish the priest would just pick a position to f*** me in! In dog beers I’ve only had one.

rednblueblood 17 Jan 13 12.04pm

As a child i was taken to church on a regular basis,i could not bear all the standing up,sitting down,kneeling.I wish the priest would just pick a position to f*** me in!

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

Mikeybaby 18 Jan 13 10.13am
I was sat on the bus behind a woman this morning and I tapped her on the shoulder and told her that she appeared to have some semen on the back of her coat. Obviously she was a little embarrassed and she said it was probably just yogurt or something to which I replied "I don't think so love, I don't ejaculate yogurt".

Mikeybaby

18 Jan 13 10.13am

I was sat on the bus behind a woman this morning and I tapped her on the shoulder and told her that she appeared to have some semen on the back of her coat.

Obviously she was a little embarrassed and she said it
was probably just yogurt or something to which I replied "I don't think so love, I don't ejaculate yogurt".

Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 23 Jan 13 12.42am
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 23 Jan 13 12.42am

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Hoof Hearted 23 Jan 13 11.44am
I'm going out with a dental nurse called Jean. She loves giving blowjobs and doing drugs. She is known as Oral High Jean.

Hoof Hearted 23 Jan 13 11.44am

I'm going out with a dental nurse called Jean.

She loves giving blowjobs and doing drugs.

She is known as Oral High Jean.

Bin Liner London , Southfields 25 Jan 13 1.07pm
Police have warned parents to be extra vigilant after 2 suspicious men have been seen around schools during this week clearing the snow that fallen around the UK, they are thought to be known as Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter Edited by Bin Liner (25 Jan 2013 1.12pm) Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

Bin Liner

London , Southfields 25 Jan 13 1.07pm

Police have warned parents to be extra vigilant after 2 suspicious men have been seen around schools during this week clearing the snow that fallen around the UK, they are thought to be known as Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter

Edited by Bin Liner (25 Jan 2013 1.12pm)

Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 30 Jan 13 1.57am
A few cr*p one-liners :- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time PMS jokes aren't funny; period. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. Velcro — what a rip off! This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 30 Jan 13 1.57am

A few cr*p one-liners :-

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Velcro — what a rip off!

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Superfly The sun always shines in Catford 31 Jan 13 5.31pm
This only really works verbally, but I'll put it here & you can try it out Scenario - you chilling with your dim witted friend You: Did you hear about that Holywood actress that was stabbed? Reece something or other DW Friend: Witherspoon? You: No, with a knife You - look smug Lend me a Tenor 31 May to 3 June 2017 John McIntosh Arts Centre London Oratory School SW6 1RX with Superfly in the chorus [Link]

Superfly

The sun always shines in Catford 31 Jan 13 5.31pm

This only really works verbally, but I'll put it here & you can try it out

Scenario - you chilling with your dim witted friend

You: Did you hear about that Holywood actress that was stabbed? Reece something or other

DW Friend: Witherspoon?

You: No, with a knife

You - look smug

Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

Hoof Hearted 01 Feb 13 11.05am
Quote Cannonball at 30 Jan 2013 1.57am A few cr*p one-liners :- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time PMS jokes aren't funny; period. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. Velcro — what a rip off! This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. Classic Tim Vine material!

Hoof Hearted 01 Feb 13 11.05am

Quote Cannonball at 30 Jan 2013 1.57am

A few cr*p one-liners :-

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Velcro — what a rip off!

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

Classic Tim Vine material!

SloveniaDave Tirana, Albania 05 Feb 13 9.03pm
A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand! My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. (Member of the School of Optimism 1969-2016 inclusive)

SloveniaDave

Tirana, Albania 05 Feb 13 9.03pm

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

(Member of the School of Optimism 1969-2016 inclusive)

Palace15eagle London 05 Feb 13 9.21pm
Quote SloveniaDave at 05 Feb 2013 9.03pm A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation. Was it a Burger bar? Your HOL best newcomer of the year 2013. My twitter account: [Link]

Palace15eagle

London 05 Feb 13 9.21pm

Quote SloveniaDave at 05 Feb 2013 9.03pm

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

Was it a Burger bar?

Your HOL best newcomer of the year 2013.

My twitter account: [Link]

Horley Eagle Somewhere only I know 06 Feb 13 3.51pm
My mate just got sacked from Majestic Wines. A muslim asked him to recommend a port and he said "Try Dover." Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

Horley Eagle

Somewhere only I know 06 Feb 13 3.51pm

My mate just got sacked from Majestic Wines. A muslim asked him to recommend a port and he said "Try Dover."

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

nutty john cpfc bridport dorset 06 Feb 13 6.13pm
with the latested horsemeat saga trases of donkey have been found in the chelsea back four. off to my mums funeral today keen palace fan sadly missed

nutty john cpfc

bridport dorset 06 Feb 13 6.13pm

with the latested horsemeat saga trases of donkey have been found in the chelsea back four.

off to my mums funeral today keen palace fan sadly missed

nutty john cpfc bridport dorset 06 Feb 13 6.15pm
cost of living is so bad at the moment the wife is having sex with me again because she cant afford batteries. off to my mums funeral today keen palace fan sadly missed

nutty john cpfc

bridport dorset 06 Feb 13 6.15pm

cost of living is so bad at the moment the wife is having sex with me again because she cant afford batteries.

off to my mums funeral today keen palace fan sadly missed

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