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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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teejay61 The Cup of Sid 06 Feb 13 6.24pm
If you could choose between World Peace or Bill Gates' fortune....... What colour would your Lamborghini be ? Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971

teejay61

The Cup of Sid 06 Feb 13 6.24pm

If you could choose between World Peace or Bill Gates' fortune.......

What colour would your Lamborghini be ?

Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971

mr. apollo Somewhere in Switzerland 08 Feb 13 10.03am
I wouldn't say the wife is big but she does keep her diapragm in a pizza box. Glad All Over

mr. apollo

Somewhere in Switzerland 08 Feb 13 10.03am

I wouldn't say the wife is big but she does keep her diapragm in a pizza box.

Glad

All

Over

Hoof Hearted 08 Feb 13 10.39am
I've just had my first sh1t since they discovered horsemeat in tescos burgers.... It was good to soft, but firm in places.

Hoof Hearted 08 Feb 13 10.39am

I've just had my first sh1t since they discovered horsemeat in tescos burgers....

It was good to soft, but firm in places.

Cucking Funt Clapham on the Back 09 Feb 13 6.07pm
Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them. Wife beating may be socially acceptable in Sheffield, but it is a different matter in Cheltenham

Cucking Funt

Clapham on the Back 09 Feb 13 6.07pm

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them.

Wife beating may be socially acceptable in Sheffield, but it is a different matter in Cheltenham

rednblueblood 09 Feb 13 7.42pm
-.-' In dog beers I’ve only had one.

rednblueblood 09 Feb 13 7.42pm

-.-'

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

stateside Norfolk 14 Feb 13 10.52am
I went to a Tesco café yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes — a fiver each way.’ Does anyone have a tooth pick? I had a Tesco burger last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth. My daughter has always wanted a pony, so I’m buying her a Tesco Quarter Pounder for her birthday. I’ve got some Tesco burgers in the fridge. But . . . THEY’RE OFFFFFFFFF! My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National. If you think horse meat’s bad, wait until you try Tesco’s veggie burgers. They’re made of genuine uniQuorn. Scientist: ‘Sir, we’ve discovered horse meat in your burgers.’ Tesco boss: ‘Why the long face?’ I won’t eat Tesco burgers. They may be low in fat, but they have a very high Shergar content. Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses. What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty. A motorist gets pulled over by a police officer, who asks him to blow into a breathalyser. The machine beeps. ‘I’m sorry Sir,’ says the officer. ‘You’re over the limit. Can you tell me what you have had tonight?’ ‘Nothing Officer,’ replies the man. ‘Just a burger from Tesco.’ ‘That explains it,’ says the policeman. ‘I knew I could smell Red Rum.’ They’ve found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It’s an unbridled disaster. A Tesco burger walks into a bar. ‘A pint please.’ ‘I can’t hear you,’ says the barman. ‘Sorry’ replies the burger. ‘I’m a little bit horse.’ I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then clicked ‘Add to cart.’ Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony. A woman has been taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers. Her condition is said to be stable. I used to work on the Tesco meat counter, but it was like flogging a dead horse. Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger to find out which had the best taste. Tesco won by a short head. I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed. Have you heard? Now traces of zebra have been found in Tesco barcodes. I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger. I didn’t realise they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup. I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam. Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that? I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them. Husband: ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.’ Wife: ‘Why don’t you go to Tesco?’ Personally, I think people who don’t like eating horse meat are being a bit blinkered. Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable. Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh? I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers. They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony. I was going to give up fast food for January, but I fell at the final hurdle and had a Tesco burger. Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum. Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’. Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’ And the most groan-inducing . . . What’s in this burger? It just jumped over my chips. I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden. There’s been horse meat in Tesco burgers for donkey’s years. I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise. I hope Tesco were selling those burgers at hoof price. So there’s horse meat in Tesco’s burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient. Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres. I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear. I ordered a Tesco burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage. Tesco would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.

stateside

Norfolk 14 Feb 13 10.52am

I went to a Tesco café yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes — a fiver each way.’

Does anyone have a tooth pick? I had a Tesco burger last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth.

My daughter has always wanted a pony, so I’m buying her a Tesco Quarter Pounder for her birthday.

I’ve got some Tesco burgers in the fridge. But . . . THEY’RE OFFFFFFFFF!

My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National.

If you think horse meat’s bad, wait until you try Tesco’s veggie burgers. They’re made of genuine uniQuorn.

Scientist: ‘Sir, we’ve discovered horse meat in your burgers.’
Tesco boss: ‘Why the long face?’

I won’t eat Tesco burgers. They may be low in fat, but they have a very high Shergar content.

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.

What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty.

A motorist gets pulled over by a police officer, who asks him to blow into a breathalyser. The machine beeps.
‘I’m sorry Sir,’ says the officer. ‘You’re over the limit. Can you tell me what you have had tonight?’
‘Nothing Officer,’ replies the man. ‘Just a burger from Tesco.’
‘That explains it,’ says the policeman. ‘I knew I could smell Red Rum.’

They’ve found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It’s an unbridled disaster.

A Tesco burger walks into a bar. ‘A pint please.’
‘I can’t hear you,’ says the barman.
‘Sorry’ replies the burger. ‘I’m a little bit horse.’

I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then clicked ‘Add to cart.’

Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

A woman has been taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.

I used to work on the Tesco meat counter, but it was like flogging a dead horse.

Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger to find out which had the best taste.
Tesco won by a short head.

I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.

Have you heard? Now traces of zebra have been found in Tesco barcodes.

I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger. I didn’t realise they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup.

I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.

Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?

I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them.

Husband: ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.’
Wife: ‘Why don’t you go to Tesco?’

Personally, I think people who don’t like eating horse meat are being a bit blinkered.

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?

I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers. They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony.

I was going to give up fast food for January, but I fell at the final hurdle and had a Tesco burger.

Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.

Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’.

Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’
And the most groan-inducing . . .
What’s in this burger? It just jumped over my chips.
I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden. There’s been horse meat in Tesco burgers for donkey’s years.

I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise.

I hope Tesco were selling those burgers at hoof price.

So there’s horse meat in Tesco’s burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient.

Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres.

I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear.

I ordered a Tesco burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage.

Tesco would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.

rednblueblood 15 Feb 13 11.13pm
So what if i can spell armageddon.........its not the end of the world. In dog beers I’ve only had one.

rednblueblood 15 Feb 13 11.13pm

So what if i can spell armageddon.........its not the end of the world.

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

Palacetinian Surrey Fam 17 Feb 13 7.18pm
48 cans of Red Bull stolen from the BP Garage, Chester Rd. How do these people sleep at night? Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Palacetinian

Surrey Fam 17 Feb 13 7.18pm

48 cans of Red Bull stolen from the BP Garage, Chester Rd. How do these people sleep at night?

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Superfly The sun always shines in Catford 18 Feb 13 3.33pm
These are supposedly all genuine UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you. BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...? Contestant: Strong. Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra? LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris. THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party. BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON ) DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey? GWR FM (Bristol) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five? RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? Contestant: Forrest Gump. RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er. ... ... Richard: He makes bread . . .. Contestant: Er .. ...... Richard: He makes cakes . . .. Contestant: Kipling Street? LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .. NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific. ROCK FM ( PRESTON ) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta? JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three? CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL ) Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ? Caller: Japan. Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er ........ Mexico ? PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE ) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days. DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ? Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ? Contestant: No. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er... .... ... Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . Contestant: Blimey? Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . . Contestant: (Silence) Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked? THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia. STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus. Lend me a Tenor 31 May to 3 June 2017 John McIntosh Arts Centre London Oratory School SW6 1RX with Superfly in the chorus [Link]

Superfly

The sun always shines in Catford 18 Feb 13 3.33pm

These are supposedly all genuine

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:
Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:
Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:
Arm

Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:
Strong.

Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:
Louis

Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant:
France.

Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.

Contestant:
Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:
The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:
Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)

Phil:
What's 11 squared?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:
Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:
Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:
Er. ... ...

Richard:
He makes bread . . ..

Contestant:
Er .. ......

Richard:
He makes cakes . . ..

Contestant:
Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:
Barcelona.

Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:
What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:
The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:
Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller:
Japan.

Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:
Holland?

Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:
No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:
Er... .... ...

Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant:
Blimey?

Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant:
(Silence)

Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant:
Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:
Nostalgia.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:
Jesus.

Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

lanzarote ron East Grinstead 25 Feb 13 2.01pm
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. " When you're dead you don't know you're dead. It is difficult only for the others. It's the same when you're stupid.

lanzarote ron

East Grinstead 25 Feb 13 2.01pm

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Johnny Eagles berlin 28 Feb 13 12.45pm
My local Indian restaurant has a new dish on the menu called the Chicken Tarka. It's like a tikka but a little otter ...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Johnny Eagles

berlin 28 Feb 13 12.45pm

My local Indian restaurant has a new dish on the menu called the Chicken Tarka. It's like a tikka but a little otter

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 13 Mar 13 9.14pm
In honor of the new Pope, Tesco has announced a Special Sale... Young Boy's Pants are Half Off Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 13 Mar 13 9.14pm

In honor of the new Pope, Tesco has announced a Special Sale...

Young Boy's Pants are Half Off

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Horley Eagle Somewhere only I know 05 Apr 13 9.42am
Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland" "That is remarkable value" Michael comments "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours, that will be 3 euro please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro." "I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir" O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro." O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary," "I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second" "I will never use this bar again!" "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro" Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

Horley Eagle

Somewhere only I know 05 Apr 13 9.42am

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours, that will be 3 euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again!"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

lanzarote ron East Grinstead 11 Apr 13 12.37am
You know, some women would be over the moon to be woken up on their birthday with flowers, a lovely cooked breakfast in bed and twenty minutes of amazing oral sex. But oh no, not MY mum. When you're dead you don't know you're dead. It is difficult only for the others. It's the same when you're stupid.

lanzarote ron

East Grinstead 11 Apr 13 12.37am

You know, some women would be over the moon to be woken up on their birthday with flowers, a lovely cooked breakfast in bed and twenty minutes of amazing oral sex. But oh no, not MY mum.

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Steve13 14 Apr 13 6.39pm
What's Lewis Hamilton's favourite key on a computer keyboard? F1

Steve13

14 Apr 13 6.39pm

What's Lewis Hamilton's favourite key on a computer keyboard?

rednblueblood 16 Apr 13 7.28pm
My mate said he could undo the wheel nuts on my car with his cock. He's all torque In dog beers I’ve only had one.

rednblueblood 16 Apr 13 7.28pm

My mate said he could undo the wheel nuts on my car with his cock.

He's all torque

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

lanzarote ron East Grinstead 28 Apr 13 9.59pm
DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER: Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day? Man: Yes. Lady Interviewer: How much a day? Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon. Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost? Man: Roughly £10.00 at a supermarket. Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that? Man: 15 years. Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing £10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly £900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending £10,800, correct? Man: Correct. Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly £162,000; correct? Man: Correct. Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady Interviewer: No. Man: So where's your ferkin Ferrari? When you're dead you don't know you're dead. It is difficult only for the others. It's the same when you're stupid.

lanzarote ron

East Grinstead 28 Apr 13 9.59pm

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly £10.00 at a supermarket.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing £10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly £900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending £10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly £162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your ferkin Ferrari?

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

palacenirvana london 29 Apr 13 7.45pm
nice one ron Half time speech [Link] King Charlie [Link]

palacenirvana

london 29 Apr 13 7.45pm

nice one ron

Half time speech [Link]

King Charlie [Link]

PA Bedfordshire 01 May 13 10.39pm
Took my missus for a romantic meal earlier and we played some pretty frisky footsie under the table. I got the steak and she got toed in the hole.

Bedfordshire 01 May 13 10.39pm

Took my missus for a romantic meal earlier and we played some pretty frisky footsie under the table.

I got the steak and she got toed in the hole.

Catfish Burgess Hill 02 May 13 1.21pm
My wife said that she was leaving me because she couldnt take my obsession with the Monkees. At first I didnt believe here, but then I saw her face. Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

Catfish

Burgess Hill 02 May 13 1.21pm

My wife said that she was leaving me because she couldnt take my obsession with the Monkees.
At first I didnt believe here, but then I saw her face.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

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