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Did you ever watch Jasper Carrott on TV in the 80`s and 90`s? He is a comedian (apparently) who used to talk about actual statements taken from car insurance claims. They always used to have me in stitches laughing and I would like to share some of them with you along with some new ones.
1. “I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way..”
2. “Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early..”
3. “The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.”
4. “I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”
5. Question; Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
Answer: Traveled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were –
Question: What warning was given by you?
Answer: Horn.
Question: What warning was given by the other party?
Answer: Moo.
6. “I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.”
7. “I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”
8. “I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”
9. “Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.”
10. “The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”
11. “The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
12. “I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”
13. “A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”
14. “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”
15. “I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.”
16. “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”
17. “Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
18. “I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”
19. “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
20. “I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”
21. “As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.”
22. “To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.”
23. “My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.”
24. “I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.”
25. “I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”
26. “The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.”
27. “I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”
28. “The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
29. “The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.”
30. “I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.”
31. “The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.”
32. “When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
33. “The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.”
34. “No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”
35. “The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!
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