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September 27 2020 5.37am

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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View doi209's Profile doi209 Flag Fighting for the weak and innocent... 12 Jul 19 8.33am Send a Private Message to doi209 Add doi209 as a friend

When I as young, I tried to get into get into a posh nightclub up town. When I reached the front of the waiting queue, the bouncer said " No tie, no entry, mate" This was annoying as my friends had all got in.
The only thing I had in my car was some jump leads.
I tied the jump leads in a bow around my neck and tried again to get in again.
The bouncer was unsure but said,
" OK you can go in, but don't start anything"

 

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View Chubskip's Profile Chubskip Flag 13 Jul 19 9.33am Send a Private Message to Chubskip Add Chubskip as a friend

What do you call a one legged horse? Clip.

 

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 14 Jul 19 12.23pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

"Doctor, my stomach's getting rather large."
"Then you need to diet."
"Really? What colour?"

 

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View Zimeagle's Profile Zimeagle Flag Harare 02 Aug 19 11.38am Send a Private Message to Zimeagle Add Zimeagle as a friend

I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day...he was wearing a cat flap.

 

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deleted user Flag 02 Aug 19 2.12pm

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

 

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View monkey's Profile monkey Flag Made in Bromley 02 Aug 19 3.45pm Send a Private Message to monkey Add monkey as a friend

Originally posted by dollardays

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

The old ones are the best

 

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deleted user Flag 02 Aug 19 11.44pm

Originally posted by monkey

The old ones are the best

Why change a winning formula!

 

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deleted user Flag 13 Aug 19 2.32pm

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a p**** extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

 

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View Cannonball's Profile Cannonball Flag Oxley, Arkansas 17 Aug 19 10.01pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them is numbered."
The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon said, "I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable."

 


God looked down and said "things are bad,I need to give the world an enema,..now where exactly is Liverpool ? "

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deleted user Flag 17 Aug 19 10.30pm

Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"

The second man shouts back, "You are on the other side of the river!"

 

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deleted user Flag 17 Aug 19 10.34pm

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

 

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deleted user Flag 17 Aug 19 10.37pm

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

 

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