Coronation Street star William Roache accused of raping young girls has yet to comment.

His agent said any question will be answered through his public relations spokesman

Max Clifford

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams,
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you".

The husbands reply,
"I'm having a dump. Please advise."

Edited by lanzarote ron (06 May 2013 9.40am)

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

From actual court records

       
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________ ________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________ ___________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_______________ __________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________ _________________________ __

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
_________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s***ting me?
______________ _________________________ __
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________ ___________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________ ___________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
________________ _________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
___________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
__________________ _______________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
________ _________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

I was just sat on the edge of the bed, pulling off my boxers, when my wife said "you spoil those dogs"

I saw a van with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal."

Suddenly, I realised just how many gynecologists there are on the roads.

Most certainly not European.

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Sh!t, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

I was at the swimming baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed cos he blew his whistle that loud I nearly fell in!

Elton John and Gianfranco Zola were chatting before the Championship playoff final.
Elton: "If you get us promotion, I'll buy you a new Rolls Royce!"
Gianfranco: "What reg?"
Elton: "I SAID IF YOU GET US PROMOTION, I'LL BUY YOU A NEW ROLLS ROYCE!"

A woman was talking with her mother....

"I'm divorcing that pig husband of mine. Dirty filthy pig."

"Why" says the mother.

"He loves anal sex. All the time. When we first got married, mt arsehole was the size of a 5p piece. Now its the size of 50p"

"Have you thought about this ? You have a nice 5 bedroomed house. Your two lovely children go to public schools. You have two Porches in the garage. You have another house in Monaco and take three holidays a year"

"And you want to give all of that up for 45p ?

A man is driving home when he notices a sign outside a shop that reads talking dog for £5 see inside for details.

Intrigued he pulls up and walks in. He speaks to the shop owner and the guy tells him 'yeah the dog is in the back room, see for yourself'.

The bloke walks in and sure enough there is a rather old looking dog lying on the floor. It wakes up looks at the man and begins to talk.

'Hello there, Rover's the name'

The guy cannot believe what he is seeing 'you... you spoke, Jesus that's incredible, how did this start? tell me about yourself'.

And so the dog begins to tell his tale.

'The year was 1928, my mother was like any other Dalmatian bitch she had a healthy litter of 4 pups all were normal except one, me. I knew I was different from that moment, I learnt to speak like any child and grew up to lead an exceptional life. When the war started I signed up, no one suspected a dog, so I went behind enemy lined planting bombs and gathering intel, twice wounded I gained a medal of honour.
After that I began to travel I spent a brief time as a pirate before working in a bank in Egypt for a while,soon the Cold war began in Earnest and MI6 recruited me. I was to go to Moscow, pose as the pet of a high ranking KGB officer gathering intel for my handlers, I stopped world war 3 more times then I care to remember.
I got home after this but still I felt unfulfilled till I met her... to you she would seem like any other Labrodoodle, but to e she was special, me and Princess had a brood of our own, normal little pups they were but alas they all went to different owners, so here I settled, that's my life.

'That's incredible' The guy said.
He ran out to the shop owner and said your dog is inspirational I'll take him, but I have to ask, why only £5.

To which the shopkeeper replied 'He can talk alright, but he is full of sh*t, he's never done anything but walk around here and lick his balls'

Edited by coulsdoneagle (12 Jun 2013 9.04pm)