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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)
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| Hoof Hearted 24 Dec 13 9.43am |
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First day back at school in Birmingham.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils :
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri ?" - "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul ?" - "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek ? " - "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi ?" - "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir ?" - "Here"
"Ali Son al En", silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room .
The teacher repeated the call. A girl stood up and said,
"Sorry, teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen
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 Johnny Eagles  berlin 28 Dec 13 11.43am |
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What do you call a three-legged donkey?
Wonky.
...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
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| Hoof Hearted 29 Dec 13 11.22am |
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Quote Johnny Eagles at 28 Dec 2013 11.43am
What do you call a three-legged donkey?
Wonky.
Classic "cracker joke" Johnny...... Bravo!
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| rednblueblood 01 Jan 14 11.08am |
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Happy new year and for all my Scottish mates, the 1986 calendars are the ones you can now pull out and use again.
In dog beers I’ve only had one.
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Canterbury Palace  Whitstable 02 Jan 14 2.44pm |
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Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that subtle racism is on the increase again since the death of Nelson Mandingo?
We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold...
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| delwboy Tewkesbury 07 Jan 14 4.01pm |
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Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Cannonball  High in the Ozarks. 08 Jan 14 10.21pm |
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An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job,
much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating,
"I am depressed and lying here on a railway track.
“I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...
Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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| Catfish Burgess Hill 10 Jan 14 9.09pm |
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I was up in the loft today with the Missus. Dark, dusty and covered with cobwebs. But she's a good mother.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial
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| BudgiesBeak London 11 Jan 14 11.43am |
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A jelly baby walked into a VD clinic and said "I think I've got gonorrhoea."
"You can't have gonorrhoea" said the nurse. "You're a jelly baby. Jelly babies don't get gonorrhoea!"
"I know", he said, "but I've slept with allsorts."
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| Harpo Oxfordshire 11 Jan 14 1.44pm |
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Which reminds me...
How do you identify which of the Jelly Babies are illegitimate?
Open the bag, turn it upside down and all the b@5tards fall out.
Edited by Harpo (11 Jan 2014 1.45pm)
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| Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 14 Jan 14 1.32pm |
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Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them " I never want to live in a vegetative state,dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle-if that ever happens just pull the plug"
they got up, unplugged the Pc and poured my whisky down the drain- the little bast**ds
Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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| Catfish Burgess Hill 28 Jan 14 1.10pm |
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A Jewish man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, and how are you."
" Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because, I haven't eaten in 38 days."
" Mama," the man says, "that's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial
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| Johnny Eagles berlin 05 Feb 14 10.23am |
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Doctor says to his patient, “I have some good news and some bad news, which would you prefer to hear first?”
The patient says, “Er, I’ll have the bad news.”
“The bad news,” says the doctor, “is that your illness is terminal and you only have 2 months to live.”
“Crikey,” says the patient. “That’s terrible! What am I going to do? What am I going to tell my wife? So what’s the good news?!”
“Well,” says the doctor, “see that nurse over there with the big t*ts? I’m taking her out for a drink tonight!”
...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
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| Catfish Burgess Hill 06 Feb 14 7.31pm |
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Took part in the All England Masturbation Championships today. Didn't win unfortunately, but I like to think I held my own.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial
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| shannegraney7 New Addo/St Ives cambs 06 Feb 14 10.04pm |
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Woke up with a Tea Bag in my mouth this morning!....Felt a right Mug!
An Eagle since 1983
R.I.P staffie
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Boooo  17 Feb 14 5.28pm |
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My Korean girlfriend just made me a pie from scratch. I'm gutted, I loved that dog.
I refuse to believe there are that many people out there that can't spell. Too f**king lazy, that's what I think.
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| Boooo 17 Feb 14 5.30pm |
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My Chinese neighbour said he had just opened a crows shop. I said, you mean a clothes shop? He said, no a crows shop, come in and have a rook.
I refuse to believe there are that many people out there that can't spell. Too f**king lazy, that's what I think.
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| Boooo 17 Feb 14 5.32pm |
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I hate people who constantly moan about their lives. I have a mate who lost his voice and has no legs but he doesn't make a song and dance about it.
I refuse to believe there are that many people out there that can't spell. Too f**king lazy, that's what I think.
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| Moose In the sewer pipe... 18 Feb 14 4.16pm |
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Quote Boooo at 17 Feb 2014 5.30pm
My Chinese neighbour said he had just opened a crows shop. I said, you mean a clothes shop? He said, no a crows shop, come in and have a rook.
Goodness is what you do. Not who you pray to.
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| doi209 Fighting for the weak and innocent... 18 Feb 14 4.39pm |
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Quote Catfish at 06 Feb 2014 7.31pm
Took part in the All England Masturbation Championships today. Didn't win unfortunately, but I like to think I held my own.
So did you come first ?
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