A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.

Breaking news...

A coalition of OAPs who are demanding free eyecare for the elderly today presented their petition to number 12 Downing Street.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

I was at an athletics event here the other day, and a bloke walked past carrying a big pole.

I said, "are you a pole vaulter"?

He said, "No, I am German, end how did you know my name is Valter?"

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

I walked into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of my fly zipper. The barman said 'What the hell is that?" I replied "I don't know but it's driving me nuts".

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Steve Jobs new Iphone aimed at the childrens market seems to have a contentious name. The iTouch Kids, has caused a number of complaints.

"One Nation Under God, has turned into One Nation Under the Influence of One Drug"
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