The other night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's A&E, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply,

'Can I feel your t1ts, then?'

NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

I was in a pub in Charlton last Saturday night,
when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed
my rear and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back into it, before the farmer
notices you're missing."

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

You know who's not up to much again this weekend?

Michael Schumacher.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

A man is taking a little girl down to the woods, the girl looks upto the man and says "mr, I'm scared" the man replies "you're scared, I've gotta walk back on my own"

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

A Cannibal turns up late to buffet. He was given the cold shoulder.

Two cannibals were cooking a clown in a big pot. One said to the other does this taste funny to you?

what do you call a junkie with a lisp? Methed up

Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh1t on the seat.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.