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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Hoof Hearted 27 May 11 11.42am
A certain nursery rhyme character that likes pudding and pie... lets say his initials are GP... kissed the girls and made them cry. I cannot reveal his full name to you as he has taken out a super injunction.
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Hoof Hearted 27 May 11 11.42am

A certain nursery rhyme character that likes pudding and pie... lets say his initials are GP... kissed the girls and made them cry.

I cannot reveal his full name to you as he has taken out a super injunction.

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Icepick Tony Chester 28 May 11 6.54pm
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him... "Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn ?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us. "They got his own song 'He's just too good for you', it's quite unbelievable but when you see it and he's facing up someone - I actually feel sorry for them, 'Cos he actually is" - Ian Holloway
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Icepick Tony

Chester 28 May 11 6.54pm

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You sound English",
"I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?",
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

"They got his own song 'He's just too good for you', it's quite unbelievable but when you see it and he's facing up someone - I actually feel sorry for them, 'Cos he actually is" - Ian Holloway

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Hoof Hearted 31 May 11 10.52am
I was at my psychology class this morning and we were discussing Pavlov. We agreed how stupid those dogs were...then the bell went and we all went to lunch.
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Hoof Hearted 31 May 11 10.52am

I was at my psychology class this morning and we were discussing Pavlov.

We agreed how stupid those dogs were...then the bell went and we all went to lunch.

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rednblueblood 24 Jun 11 8.42pm
how do you get a fat girl into bed ...piece of cake In dog beers I’ve only had one.
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rednblueblood 24 Jun 11 8.42pm

how do you get a fat girl into bed
...piece of cake

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

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Liam t 24 Jun 11 8.58pm
I was in a black cab watching the meter whizzing round when I couldn't help telling the bloke how I felt: "f* me - look how much it is already and we've only gone about two miles!" "Stuck at the lights and there's another quid. f*ing great!" "This is just taking the piss now! That was only about 20 yards before it clicked up again." Finally he'd had enough. "Can you keep it to yourself please driver?"
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Liam t 24 Jun 11 8.58pm

I was in a black cab watching the meter whizzing round when I couldn't help telling the bloke how I felt:

"f*** me - look how much it is already and we've only gone about two miles!"
"Stuck at the lights and there's another quid. f***ing great!"
"This is just taking the piss now! That was only about 20 yards before it clicked up again."

Finally he'd had enough. "Can you keep it to yourself please driver?"

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Cartoon Head 01 Jul 11 3.46pm
last night i had a dream my house was being haunted by gloria gaynor,,,,,,,,,,,,,First I was afraid I was petrified. CH
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Cartoon Head

01 Jul 11 3.46pm

last night i had a dream my house was being haunted by gloria gaynor,,,,,,,,,,,,,First I was afraid
I was petrified.

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Deleagle "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 16 Jul 11 9.59pm
Holistic Medicine Muhammad the pakistani came over from pakistan and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to a couple of local GPs,but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room,crap in de bucket, pee on de crap, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.' Muhammad took the bucket, went into the other room, crapped in the bucket, peed on the crap, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said,'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?' The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'. What can this strange device be? When I touch it it gives forth a sound. Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2 - =
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Deleagle

"Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 16 Jul 11 9.59pm

Holistic Medicine

Muhammad the pakistani came over from pakistan
and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to a couple of local GPs,but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said:

'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room,crap in de bucket, pee on de crap, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Muhammad took the bucket, went into the other room, crapped in the bucket, peed on the crap, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'.

What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.

Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

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Deleagle "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 16 Jul 11 10.09pm
Gynaecological Visit A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange," the woman said. "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see," commented the doctor calmly. "That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued. "That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!" "You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Ready for this?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I'm warning you.....) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Still not too late......delete now!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You're simply going through the change!" What can this strange device be? When I touch it it gives forth a sound. Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2 - =
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Deleagle

"Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 16 Jul 11 10.09pm

Gynaecological Visit

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years.
There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water
was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.

"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there
were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"

"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared
out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there,
it's nothing to be scared about," he said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you.....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late......delete now!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're simply going through the change!"

What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.

Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

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Raven South Croydon 18 Jul 11 10.59pm
Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here". The helium doesn't react.
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Raven

South Croydon 18 Jul 11 10.59pm

Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here". The helium doesn't react.

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Mr Statto Ifield 04 Aug 11 6.16pm
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Can I get a large aperitif?" Barman says, "I doubt it." That's just the ramblings of a madman
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Mr Statto

Ifield 04 Aug 11 6.16pm

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Can I get a large aperitif?"

Barman says, "I doubt it."

That's just the ramblings of a madman

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EaglesFan Under The Sea! 05 Aug 11 11.33am
First joke from me! What do tornado's and women have in common? They suck they blow and then take ya house! :p Be Loud Be Proud Be Palace! Tune into Holmesdale Radio every Sunday night at 8pm for everything Palace! Supporting Palace from the 12/05/94! Eagles!
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EaglesFan

Under The Sea! 05 Aug 11 11.33am

First joke from me!

What do tornado's and women have in common? They suck they blow and then take ya house! :p

Be Loud Be Proud Be Palace!

Tune into Holmesdale Radio every Sunday night at 8pm for everything Palace!

Supporting Palace from the 12/05/94! Eagles!

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Old Chap Orpington 10 Aug 11 4.10pm
In the old wild west, a young native North American said to his father "Dad, where do our names come from?" father replies:- "It is tradition that, when a child is born, we look outside the tepee & whatever we see is what the child is named "So you brother is called 'Buffalo' because when he was born I saw a herd of bison. "Your sister is named 'Rushing water' because we were camped by a river" Boy says "Oh I see" Dad says "And why do you ask Two dogs f***ing?" Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
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Old Chap

Orpington 10 Aug 11 4.10pm