Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob..

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.'

'Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Police are looking for a man who has been stealing shirts in size order.

Apparently he's still at Large

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Bilbo woke up one morning to discover they had built a large Tesco's next to his house.

It was an unexpected item in the baggins area!

So apparently Steven Gerrard is writing a book on his career at Liverpool, still no title yet though

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner

When my girlfriend suggested we try playing doctors and nurses I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for 2 days!

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

MOTHER SUPERIOR
As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."

But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it....

Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.

Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."

Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye....."OH DEAR, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE WEARING FATHER MURPHY'S SLIPPERS!!"

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

A book just fell on my head.

I've got my shelf to blame

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said:

"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, my right-hand man and the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man, less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

“I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

The colonel interrupted: "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers. He can find all that in your file. “Tell him about the day you told the local Witch Doctor to f*** off."

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial