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February 23 2019 9.14am

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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View rednblueblood's Profile rednblueblood 24 Jun 15 11.34pm Send a Private Message to rednblueblood Add rednblueblood as a friend

A vulture boards a plane carrying 2 dead ra****s. The stewardess says" in sorry sir we only allow one carrion".

 


Killing threads on here since 2005

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View rednblueblood's Profile rednblueblood 25 Jun 15 3.31pm Send a Private Message to rednblueblood Add rednblueblood as a friend


Say what you want about pedophiles,

but at least they are considerate enough to slow down whenever driving past a school.

 


Killing threads on here since 2005

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View wollongongeagle's Profile wollongongeagle Flag wollongong 01 Jul 15 8.14am Send a Private Message to wollongongeagle Add wollongongeagle as a friend

Arnold Scwarzenegger has developed a rare nasal ailment, which causes his nose to be perpetually cold.
He is not impressed with his new nickname - 'Chilly Conk Arnie'

 


We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!

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View Horley Eagle's Profile Horley Eagle Flag Somewhere only I know 06 Jul 15 1.55pm Send a Private Message to Horley Eagle Add Horley Eagle as a friend


THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 


Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

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View Palacetinian's Profile Palacetinian Flag Surrey Fam 06 Jul 15 2.17pm Send a Private Message to Palacetinian Add Palacetinian as a friend

Did you ever watch Jasper Carrott on TV in the 80`s and 90`s? He is a comedian (apparently) who used to talk about actual statements taken from car insurance claims. They always used to have me in stitches laughing and I would like to share some of them with you along with some new ones.

1. “I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way..”

2. “Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early..”

3. “The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.”

4. “I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

5. Question; Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
Answer: Traveled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were –
Question: What warning was given by you?
Answer: Horn.
Question: What warning was given by the other party?
Answer: Moo.

6. “I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.”

7. “I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

8. “I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”

9. “Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.”

10. “The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”

11. “The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

12. “I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”

13. “A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”

14. “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”

15. “I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.”

16. “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”

17. “Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”

18. “I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”

19. “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”

20. “I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”

21. “As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.”

22. “To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.”

23. “My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.”

24. “I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.”

25. “I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”

26. “The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.”

27. “I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”

28. “The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”

29. “The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.”

30. “I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.”

31. “The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.”

32. “When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”

33. “The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.”

34. “No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”

35. “The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

 


Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 21 Jul 15 5.53pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

Why is marriage like a hurricane?
It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing, and ends up with you losing your house.

 

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View rednblueblood's Profile rednblueblood 25 Jul 15 8.57pm Send a Private Message to rednblueblood Add rednblueblood as a friend

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new f***ing boat," I thought to myself.

 


Killing threads on here since 2005

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View lanzarote ron's Profile lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 28 Jul 15 3.52pm Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper

 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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View Johnny Eagles's Profile Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 28 Jul 15 7.39pm Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

So a woman drives into a bar...

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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View Johnny Eagles's Profile Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 28 Jul 15 7.49pm Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

Some mornings I wake up bitchy.

Other mornings I let her sleep.

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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View Johnny Eagles's Profile Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 28 Jul 15 7.53pm Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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View Johnny Eagles's Profile Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 28 Jul 15 8.07pm Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the lads

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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