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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Johnny Eagles berlin 09 Mar 10 2.56pm
What do you call a man who used to be interested in farm machinery? An ex Tractor Fan ...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
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Johnny Eagles

berlin 09 Mar 10 2.56pm

What do you call a man who used to be interested in farm machinery?

An ex Tractor Fan

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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Johnny Eagles berlin 09 Mar 10 2.57pm
What did one plate say to another plate? Lunch is on me ...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
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Johnny Eagles

berlin 09 Mar 10 2.57pm

What did one plate say to another plate?

Lunch is on me

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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kent675 Bromley, Kent 11 Mar 10 7.37am
An Irishman applied for a Blacksmith's job. When asked if he had any experience shoeing horses he said no. But he once told a donkey to f*** off! Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
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kent675

Bromley, Kent 11 Mar 10 7.37am

An Irishman applied for a Blacksmith's job. When asked if he had any experience shoeing horses he said no. But he once told a donkey to f*** off!

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul

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Cannonball High in the Ozarks. 12 Mar 10 3.55pm
Liverpool players and backroom staff visited the local childrens hospital recently "Its good to put a smile on the faces of people worse off than you , and who face a long long uphill battle " said David Wilson aged 6. Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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Cannonball

High in the Ozarks. 12 Mar 10 3.55pm

Liverpool players and backroom staff visited the local childrens hospital recently "Its good to put a smile on the faces of people worse off than you , and who face a long long uphill battle " said David Wilson aged 6.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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PA Bedfordshire 17 Mar 10 9.40pm
Why do SCUBA divers roll backwards off boats in to the sea ? Because they'd still be in the boat, if they rolled forwards.
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Bedfordshire 17 Mar 10 9.40pm

Why do SCUBA divers roll backwards off boats in to the sea ?

Because they'd still be in the boat, if they rolled forwards.

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rednblue4eva Norwood 26 Mar 10 5.01pm
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disk
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rednblue4eva

Norwood 26 Mar 10 5.01pm

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk

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teejay61 The Cup of Sid 26 Mar 10 5.06pm
Quote rednblue4eva at 26 Mar 2010 5:01pm Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disk the very same Police later cordoned off Liverpool City centre (again) when an unattended bag was left outside the Job Centre. The contents of the bag were later revealed to be several sub machine guns and a large stash of cocaine. Locals were said to be stunned................................................................................they had no idea there was a Job Centre in Liverpool. Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971
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teejay61

The Cup of Sid 26 Mar 10 5.06pm

Quote rednblue4eva at 26 Mar 2010 5:01pm

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk

the very same Police later cordoned off Liverpool City centre (again) when an unattended bag was left outside the Job Centre.

The contents of the bag were later revealed to be several sub machine guns and a large stash of cocaine.

Locals were said to be stunned................................................................................they had no idea there was a Job Centre in Liverpool.

Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971

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Old Chap Orpington 29 Mar 10 11.06am
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'. The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. The Scouser said 'You're bullsh!tting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!' Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
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Old Chap

Orpington 29 Mar 10 11.06am

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh!tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

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kent675 Bromley, Kent 31 Mar 10 1.15pm
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
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kent675

Bromley, Kent 31 Mar 10 1.15pm

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul

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alaneagle1 Dunstable,Bedfordshire.England 13 Apr 10 11.34am
Testicle Therapy Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help!! I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll let me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right! I'll be fine in a few minutes!' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great! - but I still think my thumb's broken!' Palace 13th 2017/18.
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alaneagle1

Dunstable,Bedfordshire.England 13 Apr 10 11.34am

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole..

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help!! I'm a
physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll
let me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right! I'll be fine in a few minutes!' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great! - but I still think my thumb's broken!'

Palace 13th 2017/18.

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kent675 Bromley, Kent 15 Apr 10 7.46am
Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.' The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly'. The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.' Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
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kent675

Bromley, Kent 15 Apr 10 7.46am

Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a
tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The
undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped
home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just
£100.'

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute.
They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend
£5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of
the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly'.

The British Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead.

We just can't take the risk.'

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul

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eagleupnorth Bolton 15 Apr 10 6.44pm
I Went shop lifting with 2 pairs of vampires, I got caught, and got done on 4 counts.
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eagleupnorth

Bolton 15 Apr 10 6.44pm

I Went shop lifting with 2 pairs of vampires, I got caught, and got done on 4 counts.

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