 Michaelawt85  Bexley 13 Mar 17 2.50pm |
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Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a w*** in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life. Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this. Why??" She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the mop out again!!"..
When I was a young girl my Mother said to me.. You listen here kid you're CPFC
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| .TUX. 27 Mar 17 1.56pm |
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A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested so he went in and asked the secretary for details.
She retrieved the file and read to him, "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and, finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the
Gynecologist's examination."
Then she told him, “The annual salary is £75,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen."
"My goodness!" exclaimed the man, "is that where the job is?"
She answered, "No, that's where the end of the queue is!"
Buy Litecoin.
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 lanzarote ron East Grinstead 28 Mar 17 11.32am |
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A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
When you're dead you don't know you're dead.
It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you're stupid.
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| monkey Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 04 Apr 17 8.58pm |
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I was thinking of selling all my John Lennon memorabilia on EBay
Imagine all the Paypal
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| YT Oxford 05 Apr 17 3.51pm |
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Dr Watson: Where did that piece of citrus fruit come from, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: A lemon tree, my dear Watson.
Palace since 19 August 1972. Palace 1 (Tony Taylor) Liverpool 1 (Emlyn Hughes)
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| BudgiesBeak London 21 Apr 17 8.36am |
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I really ought to stop putting silly double entendres on this bulletin board... but it's hard.
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| rednblueblood 01 May 17 10.30am |
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Woke my girlfriend with oral sex this morning
She said "phtop it"
In dog beers I’ve only had one.
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| HeathMan Purley 24 May 17 12.19am |
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THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter... Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
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| BudgiesBeak London 11 Jun 17 9.12pm |
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"Doctor, my stomach's getting rather large."
"Then you need to diet."
"Really? What colour?"
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| BudgiesBeak London 01 Jul 17 9.14am |
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This morning, Elton John phoned up Watford manager Marco Silva and said "If you keep us in the Premier League this season, I'll give you a Rolls Royce".
Marco said "What reg?"
Elton replied "I SAID IF YOU KEEP US IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE THIS SEASON I'LL GIVE YOU A ROLLS ROYCE"!
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ParchmoreEagle  Belair 04 Jul 17 2.54am |
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Originally posted by BudgiesBeak
This morning, Elton John phoned up Watford manager Marco Silva and said "If you keep us in the Premier League this season, I'll give you a Rolls Royce".
Marco said "What reg?"
Elton replied "I SAID IF YOU KEEP US IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE THIS SEASON I'LL GIVE YOU A ROLLS ROYCE"!
I don't get it (explain please???)
[Link]
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| Midlands Eagle 04 Jul 17 8.07am |
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Elton John's real name was Reg - Reginald Dwight
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| ParchmoreEagle Belair 05 Jul 17 10.28am |
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Oh! Ok TY!
[Link]
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| bubble wrap Carparks in South East London 07 Jul 17 9.48am |
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My wife has become very insecure in her middle age. “I’m so jealous of you,” she said. “You’re still good looking and full of confidence.” “Don’t be silly,” I replied. “It should be me who is jealous of you.” “Really?” she asked, as her face lit up. “Of course,” I said. “You get to be married to me. I’m stuck with a fat arsed, miserable bitch.”
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| bubble wrap Carparks in South East London 07 Jul 17 9.53am |
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My wife went f***ing mental earlier when I called her a big fat rhino. She was screaming and shouting at me, calling me every name under the sun and threatening to beat the f*** out of me. I just stood there, frozen to the spot. Which was the safest thing to do as her vision’s based mainly on movement
21 Million people Support Liverpool.
UK Taxpayers.
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| Michaelawt85 Bexley 07 Jul 17 10.31am |
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Had to get my pet Lizard some Valium as he's been a bit stressed out lately.
Now he's a calmer calmer calmer Chameleon!
When I was a young girl my Mother said to me.. You listen here kid you're CPFC
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| Michaelawt85 Bexley 07 Jul 17 10.32am |
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Drew Barrymore.
Now I just need to colour him in.
When I was a young girl my Mother said to me.. You listen here kid you're CPFC
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| bubble wrap Carparks in South East London 07 Jul 17 11.31am |
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Her 
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| rednblueblood 08 Jul 17 7.12am |
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My dwarf girlfriend has been feeling a bit down recently. People have been commenting on the difference between our heights.
So to cheer her up when she gets home from work ive got her some flowers, a bottle of wine, some chocolates and im going to run her a nice hot sink.
In dog beers I’ve only had one.
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| BudgiesBeak London 09 Jul 17 3.54pm |
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This joke should really be told by a woman, but I can't help being male, so here goes:
Why are men like a pair of tights?
They run, they cling, or they don't feel right in the crotch.
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