A man goes to the doctor's says..
"I have a problem after i masturbate i start to sing Glory glory Man utd" Doc says
"Dont worry lots of w***ers sing that".

When I was a young girl my Mother said to me.. You listen here kid you're CPFC

Someone sent it to me on wattsapp and I took it to be michael barrymore. But on reflection probably should be drew barrymore in a she context.

When I was a young girl my Mother said to me.. You listen here kid you're CPFC

I have a new hobby. Snail racing. Im not very good at it, mine keeps coming last so i took off its shell but that just made it more sluggish.

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

I went to the doctors the other day and he told me I was colour blind. That surprised me - it came completely out of the orange.

why is anal sex better than v*****l sex? cos it's tighter, drier and more degrading to women.

The Cardiologist and the Honda Mechanic

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda .

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running."

I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Croydon and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Yesterday I went into the bank and asked to open a transvestite account. The manager asked for proof of a dress.

Here's a few from my memory bank..hope they cheer you up on such a glum day...

My mate got a new cleaner the other day, some European woman. Took her 6 hours to do the hoovering !
Turned out she was a Slovak.

He also said his wife is mute so they communicate through embroidery........sew to speak

I got some Jamie Oliver sausages the other day. The packaging said "Pr1ck with a fork"

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice fingers

My wife had a right go at me yesterday because I kept singing the Monkees classic "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking........Then I saw her face!

I told her I was going to build a new car out of spaghetti. She said I was a fckin idiot. Should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

My pet name for my wife is Narnia coz she's a lying b1tch with a wardrobe.

Goodnight...that's enough

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.