There's a devastating flood and this God-fearing bloke starts praying. After a while, some men arrive in a dinghy to take him to higher ground.

He says no thanks, my faith in God will save me, so off the men go. The religious guy is now up on his roof when another boat comes by. Same thing - "no thanks, God will save me from this disaster. It's a test of my faith". So off they go.

Next day he's up to his neck when an army helicopter comes along and drops a rope ladder down to him. He still won't go, he says God will save him.

After the flood waters start reside the Red Cross finds the poor b******'s body. He's up in heaven in front of God. "Lord, why did you forsake me in my hour of need? I dedicated my life to you and you let me die!!". God says "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want??"

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.

"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

I saw a black widow a few days ago so I rolled up a newspaper and gave it a mighty whack !

which is why Winnie Mandela has taken out a restraining order against me.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

The Premature Ejaculation Society's Christmas dinner is tonight. There's no dress code - just come in your pants.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!

Last night I dreamt that I was drowning in orangeade. Then I woke up and realized that it was a Fanta sea.

My wife says she’s going to leave me because of my addiction to high stakes poker……………..I think she’s bluffing

For sale – one broken sat nav……………….I know it’s broken as it keeps telling me Tottenham is in Europe !

Just found out my late uncle has left me a stately manor in his will……….although I’ve no idea where Sod Hall is

Been trying all day to ring the “Keep Britain Tidy” office but nobody’s picking up


My mate reckons 40 is the new 30…….great bloke but banned from driving

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

God challenged the Devil to a football match.

"We'll win, of course", He quipped.

"Zat right?" said the Devil. "How?"

"Haven't you seen how all the best players make the sign of the Cross before they go on the pitch? They're all Mine, you know. All the best players in the world are Christians and I can take My pick from anyone I like".

"Oh, aye. So You can. But You've forgotten one thing."

"What's that, then?" asked God.

"Where do You think all the referees go when they pass on?"

Edited by chateauferret (04 Apr 2018 10.02pm)

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The Ferret
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