Top Tip...

If your mouth is freezing up in cold weather, the best thing to do is to grit your teeth.

To the man who pushed me out of the way of the baggage carousel at Heathrow airport earlier today..... remember, what goes around, comes around!

Why doesn't Elton John like Iceberg lettuce?

He's a Rocket man.

Welcome back Hoof

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.

dunno if this has been posted here before but it's a good un...

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f*** is that on the balcony with Dave?'

Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible God and destroys a visible Nature. Unaware that this Nature he’s destroying is this God he’s worshipping.

Hubert Reeves

Ok then hoof... i'm a fan of willo so hope he finds it funny too...

Willo was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Willo, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Willo and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Willo! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Willo's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Willo that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Willo says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Willo says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Willo on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Willo, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Willo, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Willo. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Willo and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Willo says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Willo emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Willo returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Willo asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f*** is that on the balcony with Willo?'

Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible God and destroys a visible Nature. Unaware that this Nature he’s destroying is this God he’s worshipping.

Hubert Reeves