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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2


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Nicholas91 Flag The Democratic Republic of Kent 22 Aug 23 12.29pm

Originally posted by Palace Old Geezer

Voted the top one-liner at this year's Edinburgh Fringe:

"I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah".

Shocking decline in quality there. Bring back Tim Vine (who I did actually see at the festival a few years back )!!!!

 

Now Zaha's got a bit of green grass ahead of him here... and finds Ambrose... not a bad effort!!!!
Palace Old Geezer Flag Midhurst 22 Aug 23 12.43pm

Originally posted by Nicholas91

Shocking decline in quality there. Bring back Tim Vine (who I did actually see at the festival a few years back )!!!!

Yes, I agree Nick, a feeble effort. Tim Vine was/is the champ of the one-liners.

 

Dad and I watched games standing on the muddy slope of the Holmesdale Road end. He cheered and I rattled.
Lanzo-Ad Flag Lanzarote 22 Aug 23 1.11pm

I like the Bob Monkhouse Classic, "When i told everybody i was going to be a comedian, they all laughed at me, Well, their not laughing now"

 

“That’s a joke son, I say, that’s a joke.” “Nice boy, but he’s sharp as a throw pillow.” “He’s so dumb he thinks a Mexican border pays rent” “ “Son… I say, son, some people are so narrow minded they can look through a keyhole with both eyes.”__ Forhorn Leghorn
mr. apollo Flag Somewhere in Switzerland 22 Aug 23 2.02pm

Originally posted by Palace Old Geezer

Voted the top one-liner at this year's Edinburgh Fringe:

"I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah".

I thought the two I posted were funnier (also from the Fringe)

 


Glad

All

Over
CrazyBadger Flag Ware 22 Aug 23 2.15pm

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only 2 but they have to really like each other, and you have to get them in the lightbulb.

 

"It was a Team effort, I guess it took all players working together to lose this one"
Zimeagle Flag Harare 24 Aug 23 3.50pm

Now we know.

IMG-20230823-WA0003 (1).jpg Attachment: IMG-20230823-WA0003 (1).jpg (55.09Kb)

 
monkey Flag Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 24 Aug 23 8.20pm

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.

I replied, "That's 15 love."

 
BudgiesBeak Flag London 04 Oct 23 11.04pm

I'm getting a bit older now, and I've had to start wearing glasses. I wore them in the pub for the first time last night, and a mate of mine came over and said "Are those thick lens glasses?"
"No", I said, "They're mine."

 
Daddyorc Flag Atlantic Highlands, NJ 05 Oct 23 1.04am

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the award?

He was outstanding in the field.

 
mr. apollo Flag Somewhere in Switzerland 05 Oct 23 1.25pm

Me: "Right, I'm off down the Palace"
Missus: "Again! I think you should stay home with me"
Me: "That's what the ex-wife would say"
Missus "I didn't know you were married before"
Me "I wasn't"

 


Glad

All

Over
CrazyBadger Flag Ware 06 Oct 23 2.49pm

I took my computer to the repair shop because it kept playing pop songs.
he said it's common with a Dell.

 

"It was a Team effort, I guess it took all players working together to lose this one"
beak Flag croydon 08 Oct 23 6.46pm

if Elton John got divorced and moved into a flat would the Estate Agent advertise it as Unfurnished?

 
eritheagle Flag Erith 08 Oct 23 7.02pm

I was taken to hospital with a life threatening injury. They put me in a room with straw on the floor and a couple of horses.

Now I'm in a stable condition!

 
mezzer Flag Main Stand, Block F, Row 20 seat 1... 18 Dec 23 8.31am

If you suffer with insomnia, look on the bright side.

Only one sleep till Christmas.

 

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.
BudgiesBeak Flag London 25 Apr 24 10.02am

A word of advice - don't use Tesco Dating if you're looking for a partner. A mate of mine did, and he ended up with a Bag For Life.

 
HeathMan Flag Purley 26 Apr 24 9.57pm

Thank you. One from me.

A new wife returns from Honeymoon and telephones her Mum in tears. "Mummy, he has started using horrible four letter words." Mum replies I know one he is able to use now that you are married. Daughter replies "That word is enjoyable, but these words he has never used before are horrible." Mum asks he to tell her the words, but daughter says they are so bade that she cannot bear to say them. Mum goes onto Plan B, after two weeks and daughter posts a sealed envelope though her parents' door. Mum opens the envelope and sees the words that her daughter has written on a sheet of paper. They are cook, wash, iron and dust.
.

 
Teddy Eagle Flag 26 Apr 24 10.11pm


Why don't boxers have sex before a fight?
They don't tend to like each other that much.

 
mr. apollo Flag Somewhere in Switzerland 27 Apr 24 10.42am

I bought an antiperspirant the other day, it said remove cap and push up bottom, I can hardly walk but my farts smell nice.

 


Glad

All

Over
Zimeagle Flag Harare 30 Apr 24 3.55pm

An old lady walks into a chemist.

"Do you have a deodorant?"

"Certainly madam, would that be the ball type?"

"No, I want it for under my arms".

 
Paaalaaace Flag Croydon 30 Apr 24 5.13pm

Loved this not the nine o'clock news sketch [Link]

Originally posted by Zimeagle

An old lady walks into a chemist.

"Do you have a deodorant?"

"Certainly madam, would that be the ball type?"

"No, I want it for under my arms".

Edited by Paaalaaace (30 Apr 2024 5.15pm)

 
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