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June 16 2019 5.48pm

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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View Elis Ashley's Profile Elis Ashley Flag Motspur Park 23 Dec 18 6.49pm Send a Private Message to Elis Ashley Add Elis Ashley as a friend

Originally posted by Elis Ashley

Irish historians have made an important discovery, they've found evidence of the oldest person ever to live. He was 162 and was called Miles from Dublin.

 


Winning isn't everything. Without the defeats we would not value the victories. Still, it's a shame we can't play Chelsea every week.

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View Elis Ashley's Profile Elis Ashley Flag Motspur Park 24 Dec 18 3.49pm Send a Private Message to Elis Ashley Add Elis Ashley as a friend

My Horoscope for yesterday said that my Ex would pop up.
I spent the whole day by the river and thankfully she didn't.

Edited by Elis Ashley (24 Dec 2018 3.49pm)

 


Winning isn't everything. Without the defeats we would not value the victories. Still, it's a shame we can't play Chelsea every week.

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chateauferret Flag 24 Dec 18 10.51pm

Bloke goes into a bar where a talented musician is playing the piano.

He plays a brilliant piece and then when the applause dies down he stands up and says, "Thank you very much. That was called, 'S***ging up the back a the bus'. I'm now going to play a piece I've written called 'Stick yer hand up yer *rse and fart'.".

After another five minutes of music he stands up and says that he will be back in five minutes, so our friend goes to the Gents'.

On the way in he meets the pianist coming out, and notices that he has his clothing in shall we say some disorder. So he says, "Do you know yer tadger's hanging oot and drippin oan yer shoes?"

The pianist replies, "Aye, a course. Ah wrote that last year".

Edited by chateauferret (24 Dec 2018 10.51pm)

 


============
The Ferret
============

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View HeathMan's Profile HeathMan Flag Purley 25 Dec 18 12.13am Send a Private Message to HeathMan Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add HeathMan as a friend

Gentleman has been making great progress with a lady.

He feels that a sharing of events in their past lives will help their progress.

She listens as he tells her about his school, career so far, and future hopes.

He notices that she seems to be getting nervous, and asks her not to be afraid to share her skeletons.

She seems to prepare herself, before saying that she used to be a hooker. He is willing to accept her past and tells her that her having been a hooker is not a problem for him.

He is taken aback when she says that her time as a hooker was with Wigan.

 

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View Cannonball's Profile Cannonball Flag Oxley, Arkansas 27 Dec 18 11.49pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

I see Ireland has brought in a new law to legalize abortion...just 59 years too late to stop Bono.

 


Liverpool-YNWA= You'll Never Win A title

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View mr. apollo's Profile mr. apollo Flag Somewhere in Switzerland 28 Jan 19 9.11am Send a Private Message to mr. apollo Add mr. apollo as a friend

One snowman to another snowman "Is it just me or can you smell carrot?"

 


Glad
All
Over

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View Cannonball's Profile Cannonball Flag Oxley, Arkansas 05 Feb 19 11.45pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

G German tourist arrives at the Polish border. "Passport please" says the border guard,the german hands it over.
"Name please" says the guard "Hans Shultz" replies the german. "Occupation ?" says the guard, "No,just visiting" says the german.

 


Liverpool-YNWA= You'll Never Win A title

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 18 Feb 19 10.18pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

"Excuse me, waiter, this soup is cold."
"It's gazpacho, sir."
"Excuse me, Gazpacho, this soup is cold."

 

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View Badger11's Profile Badger11 Flag Beckenham 19 Feb 19 2.31pm Send a Private Message to Badger11 Add Badger11 as a friend

Palace fan sees a Brighton fan walking towards him carrying a baby goat.

Palace: Hey where do you think you're going with that pig?

Brighton: Its a goat moron.

Palace: I wasn't talking to you.

 


One more point

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View Zimeagle's Profile Zimeagle Flag Harare 03 Mar 19 1.41pm Send a Private Message to Zimeagle Add Zimeagle as a friend

A horse goes into a pub for a few drinks and gets chatting to a donkey.
The donkey asks what the horse does and he says " I used to be a racehorse; won the 2000 guineas, The Derby, Kentucky Derby and Prix de l'arc de triomphe.
They have a few drinks and the donkey invites the horse to his house the next Friday.
After he's sobered up the donkey thinks blimey, that horse has done so much, he's not going to be impressed with me.
Anyway, Friday comes and the horse arrives. The donkey shows him to the living room and there's a big picture of a Zebra on the wall. " What's that? " says the horse. "Oh, that's when I played for Juventus"

 

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View Cannonball's Profile Cannonball Flag Oxley, Arkansas 03 Mar 19 7.39pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "100" says the shopkeeper. "That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear?" "Well its a tenner for the video and 90 for the Betamax recorder!

 


Liverpool-YNWA= You'll Never Win A title

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View Zimeagle's Profile Zimeagle Flag Harare 04 Mar 19 2.21pm Send a Private Message to Zimeagle Add Zimeagle as a friend

A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced price of 10 as she didn't have a womb.
Intrigued, I asked how we would do it?
She replied "acwoss the woad , against those wailings".

 

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