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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)


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Old Chap Flag Orpington 15 Dec 11 11.30am

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!


"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 19 Dec 11 9.27am

A couple have been married for years. One day, the wife says to her husband, "look, why don't you get down the chemist and get some of them tablets so you can get an erection."

So he does. And comes back and gives her a jar of diet pills.

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 21 Dec 11 8.54am

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
bigdirtydave Flag london 22 Dec 11 10.16am

I hear that they are going to hold a wake for Kim Jung-il and apparently the buffet really will be the dog's bollocks!

 
Old Chap Flag Orpington 23 Dec 11 11.51am

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa

 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 23 Dec 11 11.57am

What did the wall say to the other wall?

Let's meet in the corner.

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
Horley Eagle Flag Somewhere only I know 23 Dec 11 12.20pm

Johnny, have you been opening the Christmas Crackers early?

 

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.
teejay61 Flag The Cup of Sid 23 Dec 11 1.37pm

Quote Johnny Eagles at 19 Dec 2011 9.27am

A couple have been married for years. One day, the wife says to her husband, "look, why don't you get down the chemist and get some of them tablets so you can get an erection."

So he does. And comes back and gives her a jar of diet pills.


that's worthy of a

 

Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971
Old Chap Flag Orpington 28 Dec 11 10.18am

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in?

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more

 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
nickyf 28 Dec 11 1.34pm

In the news today they reckon there is 23 applicants for every job vacancy In the uk And still our hr department takes on t***s..............

 
Hoof Hearted 28 Dec 11 2.23pm

Quote nickyf at 28 Dec 2011 1.34pm

In the news today they reckon there is 23 applicants for every job vacancy In the uk And still our hr department takes on t***s..............

You should have seen the other 22......... -.-'

 
Old Chap Flag Orpington 28 Dec 11 2.40pm

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. Well, I have done something about it.
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
Hoof Hearted 28 Dec 11 3.16pm

A doctor from Madrid retired and followed his dream: playing golf for the rest of his life. One day on the links, he noticed that one of the foursome up ahead appeared to be swooning. He ran up to the golfer, who was leaning against his caddie, clutching his chest.

"I think you're having a heart attack!" the doctor said.

"No, it's just some indigestion," gasped the golfer.

"Listen, I used to be a doctor, and you're having the classic symptoms of a heart attack!"

"Just let me be, and I'll be all right."

As it turned out, the golfer was having a heart attack, and keeled over at the next hole, dead.

The doctor sadly trudged back to the clubhouse, where he related his story to the bartender.

"I told him he was having a heart attack, and he didn't believe me! Why wouldn't he listen?" sobbed the doctor.

The bartender replied, "I know what you mean. I'm from Barcelona, and I used to be a doctor myself.........
It's like they always say: no one respects the Spanish ex-physician."

 
Hoof Hearted 28 Dec 11 3.23pm

Ferdinand Feghoot was a guest of honour at an awards banquet.

Unfortunately, he was unable to attend the awards banquet, because along the way his Dimensional Extrapolator failed, and when he stepped outside he found himself, not at the convention centre as expected, but in a world occupied by numbers.

Feghoot explored his surroundings curiously. Across the street, a 3/4ths played soccer with an attractive young 5/8ths, while a stern-looking 16/25ths watched in silence. Other numbers slid around the area, screeching about fractions that had recently been halved and screaming about friends' plans to exchange common denominators. The cacophony was so deafening that Feghoot had to plug his ears with his index fingers.

In the sudden silence, he noticed the most amazing thing of all: A decimal point rolled down the road, followed first by one three, then another, then another, then another, creating a very long train of .333333333. Indeed, Feghoot realized, the threes continued out to infinity.

Feghoot unplugged his ears, approached the first three, and said, "Greetings! I'm a visitor from another world, and I must say, I find you fascinating. Are repeating decimals such as yourself common here?"

A mouth on the decimal point opened, closed, and opened again. Feghoot thought he heard a distant scratchy cough, but he couldn't make out any words. Then the decimal point tumbled away down the street, followed by its trail of threes.

"My," said Feghoot, "but that was very rude."

The 16/25ths across the street heard him. She shouted, "What more did you expect?"

Feghoot cringed at the noise and plugged his ears again. "I had hoped he would answer my question," he said.

"But he did!" Her five wobbled in anger. "You just couldn't hear him, for he doesn't speak very loudly."

"Why not? All of the rest of you talk with, ah, rather adequate volume."

"Of course we do," she said, "but then everyone knows that fractions speak louder than thirds."

 
Mr Statto Flag Ifield 30 Dec 11 12.13am

Quote Hoof Hearted at 28 Dec 2011 3.23pm

Ferdinand Feghoot was a guest of honour at an awards banquet.

Unfortunately, he was unable to attend the awards banquet, because along the way his Dimensional Extrapolator failed, and when he stepped outside he found himself, not at the convention centre as expected, but in a world occupied by numbers.

Feghoot explored his surroundings curiously. Across the street, a 3/4ths played soccer with an attractive young 5/8ths, while a stern-looking 16/25ths watched in silence. Other numbers slid around the area, screeching about fractions that had recently been halved and screaming about friends' plans to exchange common denominators. The cacophony was so deafening that Feghoot had to plug his ears with his index fingers.

In the sudden silence, he noticed the most amazing thing of all: A decimal point rolled down the road, followed first by one three, then another, then another, then another, creating a very long train of .333333333. Indeed, Feghoot realized, the threes continued out to infinity.

Feghoot unplugged his ears, approached the first three, and said, "Greetings! I'm a visitor from another world, and I must say, I find you fascinating. Are repeating decimals such as yourself common here?"

A mouth on the decimal point opened, closed, and opened again. Feghoot thought he heard a distant scratchy cough, but he couldn't make out any words. Then the decimal point tumbled away down the street, followed by its trail of threes.

"My," said Feghoot, "but that was very rude."

The 16/25ths across the street heard him. She shouted, "What more did you expect?"

Feghoot cringed at the noise and plugged his ears again. "I had hoped he would answer my question," he said.

"But he did!" Her five wobbled in anger. "You just couldn't hear him, for he doesn't speak very loudly."

"Why not? All of the rest of you talk with, ah, rather adequate volume."

"Of course we do," she said, "but then everyone knows that fractions speak louder than thirds."


-.-'

 

That's just the ramblings of a madman

Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 30 Dec 11 10.04pm

Quote Hoof Hearted at 28 Dec 2011 3.16pm

A doctor from Madrid retired and followed his dream: playing golf for the rest of his life. One day on the links, he noticed that one of the foursome up ahead appeared to be swooning. He ran up to the golfer, who was leaning against his caddie, clutching his chest.

"I think you're having a heart attack!" the doctor said.

"No, it's just some indigestion," gasped the golfer.

"Listen, I used to be a doctor, and you're having the classic symptoms of a heart attack!"

"Just let me be, and I'll be all right."

As it turned out, the golfer was having a heart attack, and keeled over at the next hole, dead.

The doctor sadly trudged back to the clubhouse, where he related his story to the bartender.

"I told him he was having a heart attack, and he didn't believe me! Why wouldn't he listen?" sobbed the doctor.

The bartender replied, "I know what you mean. I'm from Barcelona, and I used to be a doctor myself.........
It's like they always say: no one respects the Spanish ex-physician."

Aaaaaaaaarghh!

 

Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial
Phil O'Sophical Flag 31 Dec 11 10.32am

The food at Kim Jong-Il's funeral was apparently the dog's bo11ocks

 

The crowd is outstanding, and especially with the penalty after 44 minutes it was clear when we came out after half-time the welcome would be pretty loud and not too friendly. Crystal Palace wanted to strike back, so that was all clear. This is a wonderful place to play football - Jurgen Klopp
saveloy Flag carmarthen 02 Jan 12 6.28pm

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.The locals were shouting"PEADOPHILE"and other names at me.Just because she is 21 and i'm 50.It completely ruined our 10th anniversary

 
Jefroc Flag Crete 03 Jan 12 11.40pm

"Granny Granny why do I keep running around in circles?"

"Be quiet or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"

 

Always remembering walking from the Holmesdale to the Whitehorse end at half time!
mezzer Flag Main Stand, Block F, Row 20 seat 1... 04 Jan 12 8.16am

If I ever understand Spoonerism I'll heat my cat.

 

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.
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