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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2


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BudgiesBeak Flag London 17 Jan 16 10.47am

A travelling salesman checked in at a hotel during a business trip. He was bored and lonely, and thought he'd hire a "lady of the night" to keep him company. So he nipped over the road to a call box, found a card advertising "erotic massages", took the card back to his hotel room and dialled the number.
"Hello", said the girl.
"Wow, you have a sexy voice!" said the guy.
The girl replied "Thank you!"
The guy then said "I'll get straight to the point. I'm sure you do great erotic massages, but what I really want is sex. Rough, dirty sex. I'm staying in room 321 of the Hilton Hotel. I'd like you to come round and give me a good time! If you have a whip, please bring it. I'd like you to whip me, then tie me to the bed and give me a really good seeing-to. How about that?"
"That sounds interesting" said the girl, "but first of all you need to dial 9 to get an outside line."

 
Hoof Hearted 26 Jan 16 11.22am

I posted this little ditty on the JC thread on GT... but will post it again here just for you....


As a rule, I don't usually circulate these "Please add your name to show support” appeals that appear in emails, BUT this one is very important.

It has been circulating for only a few months and has been sent to several million people.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for Jeremy Corbyn, just go to the end of the list and add your name.

1. Mrs. Corbyn.

2.

 
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 31 Jan 16 7.58pm

Mr. Peabody, the local grocer, saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year-old farmer in town.
Tom had lost his wife the year before. Rumour had it he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Mr. Peabody asked Tom if the rumour was true.
Tom replied, "Yes, it is true."
Mr. Peabody asked, "May I ask the age of your new bride to be?"
Tom replied, "She'll be 21 in November."
Mr. Peabody, being a wise man, knew the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.
Mr. Peabody wanted Tom's remaining years to be happy. So he tactfully suggested that
Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the farm, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for a hired hand that very afternoon.
Four months later, Mr. Peabody saw Tom in town again.
Mr. Peabody asked, "How is your new wife?"
Tom replied, "Good. She's pregnant."
Mr. Peabody was pleased his sage advice had worked out so well.
He asked, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too!"
Never underestimate old men.

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
Midlands Eagle Flag 01 Feb 16 10.48am

Originally posted by Hoof Hearted

As a rule, I don't usually circulate these "Please add your name to show support” appeals that appear in emails, BUT this one is very important.

It has been circulating for only a few months and has been sent to several million people.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for Jeremy Corbyn, just go to the end of the list and add your name.

1. Mrs. Corbyn.

2.

That's not a "crap joke" as I found it very funny

 
rednblueblood 20 Feb 16 11.30pm

I had yogurt for breakfast,I had yogurt for lunch,I had yogurt for tea.......
I'm Muller'd

I have a job cleaning up leaf's,I'm raking it in!

 

In dog beers I’ve only had one.
HeathMan Flag Purley 24 Feb 16 5.47pm

One for the ladies

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.


Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

 
Midlands Eagle Flag 25 Feb 16 11.02am

Heathman - I thought that was very funny and it's now on my Facebook page. Thank you

 
Hoof Hearted 25 Feb 16 11.12am

Originally posted by Midlands Eagle

Heathman - I thought that was very funny and it's now on my Facebook page. Thank you

I'll second that... hats off!

 
Hoof Hearted 01 Mar 16 9.23am

A Texas Cowboy an American Indian and a Muslim Student are waiting for their plane in a small Texas airport.

The Texas Cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

The American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At one time here, my people were many but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim Student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?”

The Texas Cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl:

"That's cause we ain't played Cowboys & Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin".

 
Hoof Hearted 01 Mar 16 9.46am

My sex life hardly exists anymore, so I've converted to Islam and changed my name to Seldom Bin Laid!

I bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday.
On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork.
I thought, can't argue with that!


When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.


I had a row with my wife last night, she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at me and it only just missed my head.
It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort.


I love that new Korean vegetarian snack pot.
Not Poodle.


If sex with two people is called a twosome and sex involving three people is called a threesome…
Now I understand why they call me handsome!


Just bought an ABBA toilet....what a loo!


I've swapped our bed for a trampoline.
My wife hit the roof!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today.
He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area.
I've called him Bradford.

 
Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 04 Mar 16 10.10pm

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.

"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
Al from Oki Flag Okehampton 04 Mar 16 10.22pm

Took the kids to a zoo, well more like a muddy field with a scabby dog in it. If you ask me, I reckon it was a shihtzu

 
Hoof Hearted 05 Mar 16 8.58am

Originally posted by Cannonball

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.

"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

Hahaha good joke ... but be warned... your card has just been marked by the lefty PC Brigade on here....

 
Hoof Hearted 10 Mar 16 9.24am

My brother and I inherited a load of furniture from a Zoo.

Luckily I was given the Lion's Chair.

 
monkey Flag Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 12 Mar 16 9.04pm

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A Baboom

 
wollongongeagle Flag wollongong 18 Mar 16 12.53pm

"Imagine all the Pay-Pal"
John Lennon was way ahead of his time.

 

We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!
Hoof Hearted 20 Mar 16 8.54am

What's the difference between red and green?

Nothing - if you're riding a bike!

 
Direwolf Flag Lincoln 21 Mar 16 6.23pm

I used to work for a nuclear shelter manufacturer. I thought we'd go down like a bomb but we had a fallout.

 
monkey Flag Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 24 Mar 16 6.39am

I said to the wife 'what would you do if I won the lottery'??

She said 'I'd take half and leave you'

I said 'good, I've just won a tenner, here's a fiver, now F*** off'

 
Hoof Hearted 27 Mar 16 11.29am

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher. 'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “Fcuking Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday ………..”

 
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