About a month before my grandad died, we covered his back in lard

He went downhill very quickly after that

Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

My granddad's nickname is "Spiderman".

Nothing to do with superpowers, he just has trouble getting out the bath.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

I was having a full blown threesome with these two dirty bitches at work. The blonde one was taking it up the arse while the black one was licking and slurping on my balls....Then the boss walked in. Needless to say I lost my job at the kennels!

When i see him, it's gonna be painful. Skinny little cont.

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!!

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Dan Antopolski – "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
Paddy Lennox – "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'”

Sarah Millican – "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

Zoe Lyons – "I went on a girl's night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill.' I went as Rose West."

Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending."

Adam Hills – "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

Marcus Brigstocke – "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

Rhod Gilbert – "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".

Dan Antopolski – "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) – "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

Tom Wrigglesworth - "I'm on the cusp of getting married. Well, I'm engaged to be harassed."

Edward Aczel - "Machiavelli said, 'It is better to be feared than to be loved, if you cannot be both.' Something to bear in mind when you embark on internet dating."

Adam Hills - "Watching the global financial crisis unfold is rather like watching my dad being molested by a clown. I know it's going to affect me, I am just not entirely sure how."

Phil Nichol - "A lot of people say I'm egocentric – but enough about them."

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband
comes home drunk, he slaps me around."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is
asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
didn't touch me!

How does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does nothing at all...it's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick...."

He had a photographic memory but it was never developed.