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I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2


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BudgiesBeak Flag London 07 Apr 18 12.01pm

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf!"
"Describe the symptoms."
"Well - Homer's the middle aged dad with a bald head and a fat stomach, Marge is the mum with the big blue hair-do, Bart's the bratty kid with spiky hair..."

 
BudgiesBeak Flag London 20 Apr 18 1.49pm

"I've just bought myself a model of Mount Everest."
"Is it to scale?"
"No, just to look at."

 
chateauferret Flag 20 Apr 18 8.11pm

"Doctor, I took the suppositories you gave me but they didn't work."

"Oh! What happened?"

"Nothing. I might as well have stuck them up my arse".

 

============
The Ferret
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BudgiesBeak Flag London 13 May 18 10.44am

A guy walks into a chemist's shop and asks for a bar of soap.
The cashier asks "Would you like that scented?"
"No thanks" he said, "I'll carry it home myself."

 
BudgiesBeak Flag London 10 Jun 18 9.42pm

A Brummie walks into a tailors and says, "Alroit mate, I'd like a 70's suit please."
The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"
The Brummie replies "Thanks mate, milk and two sugars please."

 
Midlands Eagle Flag 05 Jul 18 2.07pm

A spokesperson for Croydon Leisure Centre has just told us that due to the drought and to try and save water, the main swimming pool will be closing lanes 7 and 8 for the rest of the week

 
Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 16 Jul 18 11.21am


Q; Why do catholic priests make good ships captains ?

A: Because they are good at navigating bouys.

 

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
Pete53 Flag Hassocks 17 Jul 18 3.38pm

Q. What were the worst two winters of the 20th century?

A. Mike and Bernie

 
BudgiesBeak Flag London 18 Jul 18 10.15am

"Can I join your circus?"
"What do you do?"
"I chew hammers."
"Are you a professional?"
"No, I'm an 'ammer chewer"

 
HeathMan Flag Purley 07 Aug 18 11.59am

Something seasonal and cultural (perhaps current favoured topic)

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.


'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

 
BudgiesBeak Flag London 09 Aug 18 9.11pm

"Doctor, my stomach's getting rather large."
"Then you need to diet!"
"Really? What colour?"

 
CrazyBadger Flag Ware 23 Aug 18 5.36pm

I got a job making Holes for Water.
It was well boring

 

"It was a Team effort, I guess it took all players working together to lose this one"
monkey Flag Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 23 Aug 18 6.34pm

Originally posted by Pete53

Q. What were the worst two winters of the 20th century?

A. Mike and Bernie

Whooooooosh!! The sound of that one going straight over the youngsters heads

 
monkey Flag Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 23 Aug 18 6.36pm

I once thought I had a Japanese friend

But it was just my imagine Asian

 
BudgiesBeak Flag London 24 Aug 18 3.38pm

I told my mother I've got this dead bee in my sink. I asked her what I should do. She said "Get a spoon, put it in the toilet and pull the chain". Then I said "Done that, now what should I do with the bee?"

 
monkey Flag Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 25 Aug 18 5.37pm

My Grandad was a baker in the Army!!

He went in all buns glazing!!

 
Midlands Eagle Flag 25 Aug 18 6.42pm

Originally posted by BudgiesBeak

I told my mother I've got this dead bee in my sink. I asked her what I should do. She said "Get a spoon, put it in the toilet and pull the chain". Then I said "Done that, now what should I do with the bee?"

"Pull the chain" That shows how old that joke is

 
Park Road Flag 26 Aug 18 7.53am

When on holiday, how do you find the best LSD hotspots?...
TripAdvisor

 
Badger11 Flag Beckenham 26 Aug 18 8.26am

Originally posted by Park Road

When on holiday, how do you find the best LSD hotspots?...
TripAdvisor

When I die I want to go like my Grandad, peaceful in his sleep... Not kicking and screaming like his passengers.

 

One more point
BudgiesBeak Flag London 26 Aug 18 11.15am

Anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid? I've just bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit, and I'm now 10 minutes away from owning Brighton & Hove Albion Football Club.

 
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