Woman goes to the Doctors and says

"I'm getting too much discharge".

Doctor says

"Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed".

He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her v*****.

"How does that feel?" he asks.

"f***ing lovely" she replies

"But the discharge is in my ear!"

What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip-off.

Heard that a few years back but it wasn’t accordions.

Not the perfect pitch joke?

A penguin goes into the Mace [chain of convenience stores in Scotland].

"Got ony penguin food?"

"Naw, Ah havnae".

Next day, the penguin goes into the Mace.

"Got ony penguin food?"

"Ah telt ye yesterday Ah havnae got penguin food, orright?"

Next day, penguin goes into the Mace.

"Got ony penguin food?"

"Look, pal, ye're pure gettin up ma nose the noo. See if ye come in here again an ask fur penguin food, Ah'm pure gauny nail yer feet tae the flair."

Next day, penguin goes into the Mace.

"Got ony nails?"

"Naw, Ah havnae".

"Good. Got ony penguin food?"

============
The Ferret
============

After a particularly wild company Christmas party, the vice president woke up with a terrible hangover. He turned over and groaned to his wife, "what in the hell happened last night?"
"As usual, you made a fool of yourself in from of the chairman of the board."
"Piss on him," the man answered.
"You did," she said. "And he fired you."
"F*ck him," the man replied.
"I did. You go back to work on Monday."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Mickey Mouse stood in divorce court, waiting for the judge's verdict.

"Mickey Mouse," commanded the judge, "I cannot grant you a divorce on the grounds of Minnie Mouse's mental incompetence as I find her to be mentally competent."

"But, your honour, I didn't say Minnie was mad. I said she was f*cking Goofy."

'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'

I met a girl at a party last night. I said “you remind me of my little toe”

She said “Small and petite?”

“No, I’ll probably bang you later on the table when I’m pissed”

And one more Hancock classic from the Blood Donor. Hanock has just had his finger pricked for the iron test:

Doctor: Where are you going?
Hancock: To have my tea and biscuits.
Doctor: I thought you came here to give some of your blood!
Hancock: You've just had it.
Doctor: But this is just a smear!
Hancock: It may be just a smear to you, mate, but it's life and death to some poor wretch!

One more point

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,

"Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Q...What is the difference between the Big Brother House and the stable where Jesus was born ??

A..The stable had wise men in it.

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.