 becky  over the moon 27 Jul 22 9.09pm |
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I went to a fancy-dress party dressed as a harp.
The host asked me, “What are you dressed as?”
I told him, “I’m a harp.”
He said, “But your costume is too small to be a harp.”
I was incredibly offended, and asked him, “Are you calling me a lyre?!”
A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers
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 mr. apollo  Somewhere in Switzerland 28 Jul 22 8.44am |
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Originally posted by monkey
I overdosed on viagra yesterday, it was the hardest day of my life
I got some Viagra eye-drops the other day, did nothing for my willy, but now I look dead hard.
Glad
All
Over
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| mezzer Main Stand, Block F, Row 20 seat 1... 29 Jul 22 9.42am |
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I always fancied being a sniper when I was younger, though I knew it was a long shot
Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.
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| doi209 Fighting for the weak and innocent... 29 Jul 22 10.13am |
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Originally posted by mezzer
I always fancied being a sniper when I was younger, though I knew it was a long shot
I wanted to be an archaeologist but I couldn't see any future in it.
Edited by doi209 (29 Jul 2022 10.14am)
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| BudgiesBeak London 08 Sep 22 5.40pm |
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A German man jumped into a freezing lake to save my dog, that had fallen in and was drowning. He said “Here is ze dog. Dry him and varm him up, and he vill be fine”.
I said “Are you a vet?”
“Yes” he said, “I’m bloody soaking”.
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| doi209 Fighting for the weak and innocent... 12 Sep 22 11.10am |
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Last Thursday, the test cricket v South Africa was rained off. On Friday it was reigned off.
Too early ?
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| BudgiesBeak London 21 Sep 22 5.26pm |
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Earlier today I went for a walk down a canal tow path in Birmingham, where I saw a guy fishing in the canal.
"Hello" I said, "Have you caught anything today?"
"Not much," he replied, "Just a whale."
"A WHALE? In Birmingham? What kind of a whale?"
"A bicycle whale."
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Cannonball  High in the Ozarks. 23 Sep 22 12.45pm |
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What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.
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| monkey Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 14 Oct 22 10.30am |
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I met a girl at a party last Saturday night & said to her ~ "You remind me of my little toe!"
She giggled & replied "you mean to say ~ small & cute?"
No! I mean I'll probably bang you on the table later when I'm pissed
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| stuckinbristol In the woodwork. 08 Nov 22 2.39pm |
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A man walks into a pub, followed by an ostrich and a cat. He walks to the bar and asks for a a pint of beer. The ostrich asks for a pint of beer too, and the cat says "same as them, but I'm not paying." The bartender says "that'll be £16.50". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £16.50. The bartender asks, "how'd you do that?" and the man explains, "The other day I found an old lamp in the basement, so I rubbed it and out comes a genie. You know, he says he'll give me three wishes, so I ask him, I wish I always had exactly enough money in my pocket that I need." The bartender was visibly impressed! "Wow!", he exclaims, "That's amazing! When I hear people saying what they'd wish for, they say something like a million pounds or a fancy car, but that... that's the first time I've heard something practical! So, what else did you wish for?" The man shrugs and says, "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy..."
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| becky over the moon 08 Nov 22 8.31pm |
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Latest news from the jungle says Boy George has been badly savaged by an angry reptile.
Producers say they wish they had used a calmer chameleon...
A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers
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| BudgiesBeak London 27 Nov 22 9.55pm |
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Last night I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish when I went to the pub. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
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| monkey Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 04 Dec 22 8.58am |
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Some festive cheer for you all....
It's Christmas time,
Heroin and wine
Kids involved in petty crime.
Your Dad is in prison
Your Mum's still at school
That's what it's like when you're from Liverpool
Cliff Richard knew how to write a good Xmas tune
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| BudgiesBeak London 12 Dec 22 1.25pm |
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I went out with a girl with a wooden leg once. But I broke it off.
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| CrazyBadger Ware 13 Dec 22 8.57am |
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I went out with a girl with a lazy eye. I had to end it because she kept seeing people on the side.
"It was a Team effort, I guess it took all players working together to lose this one"
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Nicholas91  The Democratic Republic of Kent 13 Dec 22 10.11am |
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Originally posted by CrazyBadger
I went out with a girl with a lazy eye. I had to end it because she kept seeing people on the side.
I once went out with a girl who despite having IBS was a parachutist! Unfortunately, she shat on me from a great height.
Now Zaha's got a bit of green grass ahead of him here... and finds Ambrose... not a bad effort!!!!
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| mooro Within the Temples of Syrinx 13 Dec 22 2.19pm |
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I remember as a nipper mucking about rolling down hills in an old car tyre.
They were Good Years.......................
There's no sun, the shadow of the wizard.......
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| mezzer Main Stand, Block F, Row 20 seat 1... 13 Dec 22 5.06pm |
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Actors have got Equity.
Magicians have got The Magic Circle.
Ventriloquists have no one to speak for them.
Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.
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| mooro Within the Temples of Syrinx 17 Dec 22 11.47am |
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I remember covering my sick granddad's back in butter to see if it would help.
Sadly he went rapidly downhill after that !
There's no sun, the shadow of the wizard.......
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| Spiderman Horsham 17 Dec 22 12.00pm |
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My p**is got into the Guinness Book of Records.
Then the Librarian insisted I remove it
Edited by Spiderman (17 Dec 2022 12.00pm)
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