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November 11 2019 9.53pm

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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View Midlands Eagle's Profile Midlands Eagle Flag 08 Mar 19 5.48am Send a Private Message to Midlands Eagle Add Midlands Eagle as a friend

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500!" she cried,"£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500."

 

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View Zimeagle's Profile Zimeagle Flag Harare 09 Apr 19 9.08pm Send a Private Message to Zimeagle Add Zimeagle as a friend

The inventor of the snooze button, Alfred Hudson, has sadly passed away. The funeral will be held at South Croydon Methodist Church, on Wednesday 10th April at 10am, 10.20am and 10.40am.

 

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View Cucking Funt's Profile Cucking Funt Flag The Walton Hop 17 Apr 19 11.21am Send a Private Message to Cucking Funt Add Cucking Funt as a friend

An absolute belter from Clement Freud. I'll leave the man himself to tell it.

[Link]

 


Wife beating may be socially acceptable in Sheffield, but it is a different matter in Cheltenham

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 10 May 19 5.28pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend take his last breath, I was so honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man when had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash. At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him, he couldn't speak due to the pipes and tubes that were attached to him so I moved closer as he pointed at his mouth. I said I didn't know what he wanted and asked if he could write, he nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket. Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the pen fell to the floor, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you its all over. The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail, he now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my bike in the car park with heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers. I somehow managed to get to the bike without breaking up, and, as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from the recently deceased. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the petrol tank. It just looked gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket. I have now got home and was about to throw it away but the thought hit me, it might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words, it just appears to be a jumble of letters. I decided to share it on facebook to see if anyone could decipher it, I never was any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety (I'm not sure whether or not he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil ) it says "GETOFFMYf***INGOXYGENPIPEYOUFATBAST"....

 

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 14 May 19 5.39pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

The Mrs. asked me if I'd be more like Liverpool during sex.
I said "What's that?"
She replied "Stay on top for ages, then come second."

 

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 18 Jun 19 7.56pm Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

I had a very rough childhood. My parents would cover me in sponge, smear cream all over my shoulders and my hair, and throw nuts over my head. Yes - it was hard living in the gateau.

 

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Park Road Flag 19 Jun 19 11.07am

Just looked at the calendar,and it looks like all the rest of my days are numbered!

 

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View Badger11's Profile Badger11 Flag Beckenham 22 Jun 19 8.22pm Send a Private Message to Badger11 Add Badger11 as a friend

Not a joke as such but this made me laugh. I wonder if the bear was looking for a pick-a-nick basket.

[Link]

 


One more point

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 08 Jul 19 9.55am Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

My boss invited me to his home for Sunday lunch, and when his wife was serving the roast she asked me how many potatoes I wanted.
I said "I'll just have one, thank you".
She said "You don't have to be polite."
So I replied "OK I'll have one, you stupid cow!"

 

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View dollardays's Profile dollardays Flag 09 Jul 19 1.43pm Send a Private Message to dollardays Add dollardays as a friend

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty, don’t eat anything.”

 

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View dollardays's Profile dollardays Flag 09 Jul 19 1.47pm Send a Private Message to dollardays Add dollardays as a friend

Whats the most important part of a joke timing.

 

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View dollardays's Profile dollardays Flag 09 Jul 19 1.51pm Send a Private Message to dollardays Add dollardays as a friend

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

 

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