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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)


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monkey Flag Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 11 Aug 11 4.55pm

A Police station in Huddersfield got broken into last night and looters stole all of their Satnavs. Police are now looking for Leeds.

 
Deleagle Flag "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 11 Aug 11 9.51pm

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a p***.' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what p*** was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps The mum!

 

What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.



Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

Killar Flag 13 Aug 11 11.33pm

I said to my mate'We’re in the middle of a huge recession, we’ve got Noel Edmonds on TV and we’ve got rioting on the streets of London. It’s like being back in the 80s'

He said 'Yeah, what’s next, Liverpool win the league?'

Oh how we both laughed.


Edited by Killar (13 Aug 2011 11.35pm)

 
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 16 Aug 11 2.37pm

The wife suggested I get myself one of those p3nis enlargers....... so I
did....she's 21 and her name's Angela.


Edited by lanzarote ron (16 Aug 2011 2.38pm)

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
Horley Eagle Flag Somewhere only I know 19 Aug 11 2.22pm

Dear Santa,

Don't bother coming this year, I've got loads of stuff already.

Delroy, aged 9
Tottenham

 

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.
wollongongeagle Flag wollongong 21 Aug 11 2.28am

A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup on the Smokey Mountains Highway and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ? '

The driver replies 'Bout wut?'

 

We are the goon squad and we're going to town. Beep Beep!
Old Chap Flag Orpington 24 Aug 11 11.27am

Amazing Human Body


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's p**** is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women

will be finished reading this by now.


Men


are still busy checking their thumbs






 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
mooro Flag Within the Temples of Syrinx 24 Aug 11 11.53am

Police in the Seychelles have recovered the arm of shark attack victim Ian Redmond.
It was identified by a tattoo that said Arsenal for the league 2011/12.
In a statement, Police said not even a shark would swallow that !!!

 

There's no sun, the shadow of the wizard.......
Old Chap Flag Orpington 30 Aug 11 6.27pm

A husband & wife were watching a TV program about psychology & the phenomenon of mixed emotions. The husband turned to his wife & said "That's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy & sad at the same time" She said "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick"

 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
monkey Flag Sittingbourne,but made in Bromley 01 Sep 11 4.55pm

arsene wenger has blamed poor diet for arsenal's demise...........apparently before their recent trip to old trafford they 8-2 much.

 
Camberite Flag Sutton 01 Sep 11 5.11pm

My drug addict wife's gone to Poland.
Krakow?
No, she only does Marijuana

 
Old Chap Flag Orpington 01 Sep 11 9.20pm

A girl came up to me in the club and said, "I haven't had a cock for nearly two weeks now."

I asked her back to my place and we started fooling around.

We got undressed, and that was when I noticed that she still had the scars from the operation......

 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 02 Sep 11 10.37am

Crime in multi-storey car parks.

Wrong on so many different levels...

(Sorry if already been done)

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
Old Chap Flag Orpington 02 Sep 11 4.58pm

Person of limited intelligence goes to see his doctor, says "I want to be castrated"

Doctor says "That's rather extreme isn't it?"

"Got to be done, it's my new religion"

"OK" says the doctor "But it can't be done on the NHS, you'll have to go private"

"Don't care" says the person of limited intelligence

"If you're sure, I'll refer you to a specialist" says the doctor


He goes in hospital, has the operation. In bed recovering & there's another guy in the next bed moaning in paid

"What's up?" says the person of limited intelligence

"I've just been circumcised" says other guy


"THAT WAS THE WORD" says the person of limited intelligence


 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
mooro Flag Within the Temples of Syrinx 08 Sep 11 6.47pm

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone...........then it dawned on me.

 

There's no sun, the shadow of the wizard.......
Old Chap Flag Orpington 13 Sep 11 11.59am

PICTURE NOT SAFE AT WORK!

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She replies, "I have a daughter; slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist, 34" hips. When she walks into a room people say...


(look at the picture)

"Jesus Christ!"

securedownload.jpg Attachment: securedownload.jpg (17.85Kb)

 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 20 Sep 11 5.37pm

I was talking to a mate who asked me

"What's your ring tone?"

I had to answer honestly -


"I haven't looked but i would have to say a light brown!"

 

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 29 Sep 11 9.12am

What hangs alone for years in a tower, is obsessively in love with a gypsy and gets used by boxers for exercise?

The punch bag of notre dame.

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
teejay61 Flag The Cup of Sid 29 Sep 11 10.46am

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found headbutted to death in a French footballers apartment

It was Murder on Zidane's Floor

 

Supporting the mighty CPFC since September 1971
Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 04 Oct 11 1.01pm

I haven't spoken to my wife in 6 months.

I don't like to interrupt her...

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
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