I didn't want to believe thet my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.

I used to be immortal

Knock knock.

Who's there?

General Lee.

General Lee who?

Generally I don't tell jokes.

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

I met a Dutchman yesterday with SatNav built into his shoes - bloody clever clogs!

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul

What do you call a time traveller from Brighton?

Dr Whooohoooo!

*completely stolen from Danincyp

When i see him, it's gonna be painful. Skinny little cont.

Paleontologists recently discovered what they believe to be a homosexual dinosaur.

They named it Megasaurass.

"FOR F*CKS SAKE MURRAY!!"

360 gamertag - Komakino1

i went to the hospital with a groin strain the doctor said i will cradle you balls for assesment, this he did he then said it is perfectly natural to get an erection now, i said but i dont have an erection the doctor said not you me.

What do you call a female singer who's downstairs lips go horizontal rather than vertical?

Smiley Cyrus.

'Lies to the masses as are like fly's to mollasses...they want more and more and more'

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am."

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "No, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good. She stops in a shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a certain way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she asks, "Okay, okay....How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you at McDonalds..."

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?

When I was in London today i went in a fancy dress shop and the woman tried to give me a man utd kit, I said I am sorry love you have misunderstood me I want to be a COUNT

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.