Or on Twitter yesterday:-

Boris Johnson recovering after minor operation on his nose. Unconfirmed reports suggest he’s had about 2ft taken off

What's Leather and Sneezes?

A Shoe

"It was a Team effort, I guess it took all players working together to lose this one"

Cliff Richard has long described himself as 'Asexual' but I'd also add: B) Gay.

Now Zaha's got a bit of green grass ahead of him here... and finds Ambrose... not a bad effort!!!!

How do you know boris"s wife is a west ham fan? i"m forever blowing bubbles - she was caught giving him heed in the parliamentry office for those that don"t know

I went to a fancy-dress party dressed as a harp.

The host asked me, “What are you dressed as?”

I told him, “I’m a harp.”

He said, “But your costume is too small to be a harp.”

I was incredibly offended, and asked him, “Are you calling me a lyre?!”

A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers

I always fancied being a sniper when I was younger, though I knew it was a long shot

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.