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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 26 Apr 12 2.19pm Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

Profanisaurus doesn't really belong on this thread, but these made me chuckle:

“Piggy in the Lidl”
An ‘aldilicious’ female who one might observe perusing the processed foodstuffs in the aisles of popular budget supermarkets.

“Gigg’s Boson”
A vanishingly small dense point of intelligence which may be present in the head of a professional footballer although its existence is, as yet, unproven.

“Footballer’s Business Card”
A tasteful portrait of a Premiership star’s c**k and b**ls sent via a camera phone or webcam.

“Have a Meerkat”
To perform an act of personal pollution at a time when one might be discovered. Named because the beady-eyed malefactor maintains heightened alertness throughout in the style of the popular insurance weasels.

Rat Van
The ‘kebabulance’ parked outside Reading University where undergraduate gastronomes are wont to go to ‘grab a rat’ when sufficiently intoxicated.

And to finish on a simile, “as empty as Tim Henman’s trophy cabinet”.

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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Bin Liner Flag London , Southfields 30 Apr 12 9.38am Send a Private Message to Bin Liner Add Bin Liner as a friend

just seen a dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a cat flap

 


Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

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mydadsbiggathanyours Flag 03 May 12 9.04am Send a Private Message to mydadsbiggathanyours Add mydadsbiggathanyours as a friend

What would Peter Crouch be if he wasn"t a Premiership footballer? A virgin

I just don"t get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick...... but no one says anything about Stephen Hawking being s*** at football do they?!

I"ll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride.She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!

Manchester Police are looking for a racist attacker.I called them....... Apparently it"s not a job advert.

A nun is in the bath when there"s a knock on the bathroom door."Who is it?" shouted the nun."The blind man" came the reply.The nun tells him to enter, as he wouldn"t be able to see her in all her glory, because he"s blind.He walks in and quips "Nice pair of tits, where do you want the blinds?"

I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a "bag for life" - I said "No thanks, I"m already married."

Why do men fart more than women?Because women won"t shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean.

 

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Deleagle Flag "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 04 May 12 8.51pm Send a Private Message to Deleagle Add Deleagle as a friend

Rooney is worried that he may not get into the next England squad as he heard that Roy Hodgson was seen outside Wembley shaking his brolly shouting "I fvcking hate wain"

 


What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.



Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

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Deleagle Flag "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 05 May 12 11.28pm Send a Private Message to Deleagle Add Deleagle as a friend

I had an interview for a vacant job at MI6 today.
I reckon it's in the bag..

 


What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.



Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 09 May 12 1.17am Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend



Bagpiper at a Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 


Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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Kermit8 Flag Hevon 11 May 12 12.17pm Send a Private Message to Kermit8 Add Kermit8 as a friend

Did you know all male tennis players are into voodoo?

Goran. Ivanesivic.

 


Big chest and massive boobs

[Link]


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billynic Flag Petts Wood 11 May 12 12.56pm Send a Private Message to billynic Add billynic as a friend

I split up with my girlfriend Lorraine recently and have a new love called Claire Leigh.

I can see Claire Leigh now Lorraine has gone...

 


Glad All Over!

"Were the red and blue army"

Twitter -

#FFSMURRAY

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Deleagle Flag "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 13 May 12 6.20pm Send a Private Message to Deleagle Add Deleagle as a friend

Vidal Sassoon's funeral is going to be televised but don't worry, it will only be the highlights.

 


What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.



Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 15 May 12 2.31pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend


Q. How do you replace a cork back in a champagne bottle ?

A. I don't know....Ask a Man Utd player.

 


Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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westquay Flag 58 miles from se25 29 May 12 1.24pm Send a Private Message to westquay Add westquay as a friend

True story....
Played golf with the owner of a local chinese restaurant
recently on a cloudy day.
At the third tee he looked up at the sky and said "My goldfish say it gonna rain today".
I looked back at him and said "How does your goldfish know its going to rain"
"No no" he replied "My goldfish say it definitely gonna rain today"
"I dont understand how your goldfish knows its going to rain" I replied."What does he do float on his back,swim to the bottom?? What"
"NO MY GOLDFISH THE WEATHERMAN SAY IT GONNA RAIN"
(MICHAEL FISH).
ME SO SIRRY. SOLLY.

 


"Numb,gutted and shocked . Three words that sum up how I feel."
"Passionate,principled, genius. Three words that sum up Joe Strummer"
Martin Scorcese, Film director.

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Moose Flag In the sewer pipe... 29 May 12 2.33pm Send a Private Message to Moose Add Moose as a friend

Didier Drogba's decision to leave Chelsea has resulted in the club releasing four medical staff, two stretcher bearers and a drama teacher.

 


Goodness is what you do. Not who you pray to.

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