A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

Voted Best Aussie Joke.....

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that .... so, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again."

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £15 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the
wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a jar of face
cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the f**k'ing price'

Buy Litecoin.

1. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

4. I got a letter from ScrewFix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

6. Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

7. Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

8. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

9. Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

10. If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

11. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

12. When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau

Bear goes into a bar and asks the barman for a whisky and.......................................................................................................................................soda.

"Why the big pause?" says the barman.

"I've always had them" says the bear

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day, trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

I went to buy a Christmas tree, and the guy asked ‘Are you going to put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.’

I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day. On the plus side I did make a few quid.

I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell schadenfreude and I couldn’t. But he’s dead now and I’m not, so I win.

I thought PPI was something you got through not wearing goggles at the swimming baths.

The hardest part of running competitively in Wales must be keeping up with the Joneses. In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit.

Warning: If it’s your birthday on February 14th then the postman probably thinks you’re a slag.

My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp, I’m not sure I’ll be able look at him in the same light ever again.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. She said, ‘What am I going to do with two dead dogs?’

Apparently in Norfolk the marriage guidance service is called Related.

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

Last time I was here a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her. We had sex.

I’m trying to learn how to be a more sensitive lover. I got a DVD called How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique. It was really good. I had to fast forward though the boring bit at the beginning obviously. I mean, I don’t know why they bothered with that.

Uri Geller; surprisingly hard to stab.

I certainly broke a few hearts when I was a young man. I ran a chip shop.

I watched the directors’ cut of a p*** film. At the end he actually fixes the washing machine.

I bought a chocolate bar and the inside of the wrapper said You’re A Loser. I wouldn’t have minded if there had been some sort of competition on. To make things worse, it was a Boost.

Nan would always send us texts saying please come round, my arthritis is getting worse; but then they stopped. So presumably it got better.

This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators’ support group. But it turns out that it’s tomorrow.

Last night I went joy-riding for the first time. I can only hope she enjoyed it as much as I did.

What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat ?
Their wheel chair .
Old but gold

In dog beers I’ve only had one.

XMAS CRACKERS.........

What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis!

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

What goes 'Ho! Ho! Ho! Thump!'?
Father Christmas laughing his head off!

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said.
'Actually, I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
'Freeze a jolly good fellow!'

'Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?'
'No you can have turkey like everyone else!'

How do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!

Father Christmas' sledge broke down on Christmas Eve.
He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, 'Can you help me fix my sledge?'
'Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a chiropodist.'
'In that case', said Father Christmas, 'can you give me a toe?'

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards.

What goes 'Oh! Oh! Oh!'?
Father Christmas walking backwards.

Father Christmas: 'I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow!'
'I'm on my way, Father Christmas.'
Father Christmas: 'But you only have one welly on!'
'That's all right! There's only one foot of snow!'

What are the wettest animals in the world?
Rain deer.

'Knock, knock.'
Who's there?
'Hannah.'
Hannah who?
'Hannah Partridge in a pear tree!'

Good King Wenceslas went into Pizza Hut.
"The usual, sir?", said the waiter.
"Yes," said Good King Wenceslas, "Deep pan, crisp and even."

What's green and goes to Summer Camp?
A Brussel Scout!

You forgot to include a proper Mortgage Broker operation not a Halal/Sharia compliant one on that street.... but I can't think of a funny muslim inspired name for it....