Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

Steve Jobs new Iphone aimed at the childrens market seems to have a contentious name. The iTouch Kids, has caused a number of complaints.

"One Nation Under God, has turned into One Nation Under the Influence of One Drug"
[Link]

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Rab, are sitting in the Farmers bar drinking beer. Tam turns to Rab and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gan through life athoot an education.. I'morn, I think I'll go doon to the squeel and sign up for some nicht classes."

Rab thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the school and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic."

Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"

" Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden.

Tam replies, "At's true, I div hae a Gairden.

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house.

"Aye, I dee huv a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I hiv a femily.”

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”

"Man! Yer nae wrang!! I div hae a wife!!"

“And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.”

"I am that! a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find a' that oot, jist 'cos huv a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves to meet Rab at the pub.

He tells Rab about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.

"Logic?" Rab says, "Fit's at?”

"Tam says, "I'll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer?

"No."

"Well then, yer a poof."

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

What happens when you give a politician viagra? He gets taller!

Be Loud Be Proud Be Palace!

Tune into Holmesdale Radio every Sunday night at 8pm for everything Palace!

Supporting Palace from the 12/05/94! Eagles!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in
front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.1415927 dead.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.’
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be
printed in English.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that
guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

Before last weekend, few people had heard of Abottabad, similarly with Faisalabad and Islamabad, but we’ve all known Westhamabad for most of this season.

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul

As a result of Henry Cooper's death, Audley Harrison has moved up one place in the world boxing rankings.

The government have hinted that there might be another bank holiday for the death of bin laden........

so, all together now....We're all going on OSAMA HOLIDAY

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

People keep asking me "What's your pet hate?"

I always reply "The vet's finger up his bum".