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April 22 2024 4.50pm

I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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View Rogers the legend's Profile Rogers the legend Flag Auckland 26 Jul 09 9.48am Send a Private Message to Rogers the legend Add Rogers the legend as a friend

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror,
watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other.....


'Look Paddy......there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

 


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

Archie Griffen

Hating Brighton since 1974

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View Rogers the legend's Profile Rogers the legend Flag Auckland 26 Jul 09 9.57am Send a Private Message to Rogers the legend Add Rogers the legend as a friend

Duties of Wives!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from USA and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Britsh girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and hang out a load of washing God Bless British Women............

 


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

Archie Griffen

Hating Brighton since 1974

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View Rogers the legend's Profile Rogers the legend Flag Auckland 31 Jul 09 4.53am Send a Private Message to Rogers the legend Add Rogers the legend as a friend

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.


 


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

Archie Griffen

Hating Brighton since 1974

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View Rogers the legend's Profile Rogers the legend Flag Auckland 04 Aug 09 11.01am Send a Private Message to Rogers the legend Add Rogers the legend as a friend

Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five very good leads'.



 


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

Archie Griffen

Hating Brighton since 1974

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View Rogers the legend's Profile Rogers the legend Flag Auckland 04 Aug 09 11.05am Send a Private Message to Rogers the legend Add Rogers the legend as a friend

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at an outback Queensland farm and talks with the old farmer who has worked the land for many years.


He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation..."


The old farmer says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there mate."


The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I FARKING WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"


The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.


Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Water Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...


"YOUR CARD.... SHOW HIM YOUR FARKING CARD!!!"

 


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

Archie Griffen

Hating Brighton since 1974

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View Rogers the legend's Profile Rogers the legend Flag Auckland 05 Aug 09 1.27pm Send a Private Message to Rogers the legend Add Rogers the legend as a friend

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:


P...E...N...I...S


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***





 


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

Archie Griffen

Hating Brighton since 1974

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View Rogers the legend's Profile Rogers the legend Flag Auckland 05 Aug 09 1.30pm Send a Private Message to Rogers the legend Add Rogers the legend as a friend

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -
juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....


You want........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

 


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

Archie Griffen

Hating Brighton since 1974

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View lanzarote ron's Profile lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 06 Aug 09 1.18am Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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View Rogers the legend's Profile Rogers the legend Flag Auckland 07 Aug 09 5.05am Send a Private Message to Rogers the legend Add Rogers the legend as a friend

Quote lanzarote ron at 06 Aug 2009 1:18am

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.


Oh, I thought it was Sir Roundsound....or was he the loudest?

 


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

Archie Griffen

Hating Brighton since 1974

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View steveo3's Profile steveo3 Flag Reigate 07 Aug 09 11.24am Send a Private Message to steveo3 Add steveo3 as a friend

My wife was moaning last night, wishing our sex life could be like it was when we first met....


So i gave her £20.

 

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Jake d'Eagle Flag in the section labelled 'shirts', ... 11 Aug 09 3.50pm

There's a new origami channel starting on satellite TV soon. It's available on Sky paper view.

 


Put a Glide in your Stride, and Dip in your Hip,
Come on over to the Mothership, baby

[Link] Transformation is Happening


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View Only 10 a year!!'s Profile Only 10 a year!! Flag 19 Aug 09 4.33pm Send a Private Message to Only 10 a year!! Add Only 10 a year!! as a friend

Quote Jake d'Eagle at 11 Aug 2009 3:50pm

There's a new origami channel starting on satellite TV soon. It's available on Sky paper view.


It will never last and fold very quickly


 

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