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November 12 2026 12.20pm

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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)


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Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 10 May 11 12.11pm

I bought a self-assembly bed at the weekend.

It's rubbish. Took it out the box on Sunday and it's still not done anything.

 

...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...
collier row eagle Flag romford essex via another galaxy 16 May 11 10.28pm

Just bought myself a premier league toolbox, but when i opened it, there's no hammers!!!!...o'h please yourselves.

 
Hoof Hearted 17 May 11 10.37am

I bought Kate McCann's new book the other day. I went out to dinner that same evening. Naturally, not wanting to lose the book I took it with me.

I got thrown out of Waterstones yesterday for moving Kate McCann's book back into crime fiction.

 
kent675 Flag Bromley, Kent 19 May 11 4.18pm

Beyonce has just discovered her father was Roy Castle. She has stated though that she wont be changing her surname.

 

Four wheels drives the body - Two wheels drives the soul
gladeagle Flag Cavan Eire 22 May 11 2.05pm

West Ham are 16/1 to get promoted to the premier league next season,if you dont understand betting odds, this means if you put £10 0n at 16/1....
you will lose £10.

 
rednblue4eva Flag Norwood 24 May 11 1.01pm

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide..

Lets have a look at the evidence:


*No Christmas!

*No television!

*No nude women!

*No football!

*No pork chops!

*No hotdogs!

*No burgers!

*No beer!

*No bacon!

*Rags for clothes!

*Towels for hats!

*Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower!

*More than one wife!

*More than one mother in law!

*You can't shave!

*Your wife can't shave!

*You can't wash off the smell of donkey!

*You wipe your arse with your hand!

You cook over burning camel s***!

*Your wife is picked by someone else!

*Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better?



No s*** Sherlock!. It's not like it could get much worse!

 
Oliver Flag Bodega Bay 24 May 11 11.11pm

Imogen Thomas is trying to launch her solo singing career. She has started by doing Giggs in Manchester.

 

I have prepared one of my own time capsules. I have placed some rather large samples of dynamite, gunpowder and nitroglycerin. My time capsule is set to go off in the year 3000. It will show them what we are really like.
Mr Statto Flag Ifield 26 May 11 2.25pm

Why did the chicken cross the playground?


To get to the other slide, obviously

(NB - this is from a friend's 3 year-old)

 

That's just the ramblings of a madman

Hoof Hearted 27 May 11 11.42am

A certain nursery rhyme character that likes pudding and pie... lets say his initials are GP... kissed the girls and made them cry.

I cannot reveal his full name to you as he has taken out a super injunction.

 
Icepick Tony Flag Chester 28 May 11 6.54pm

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You sound English",
"I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?",
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

 

"They got his own song 'He's just too good for you', it's quite unbelievable but when you see it and he's facing up someone - I actually feel sorry for them, 'Cos he actually is" - Ian Holloway
Hoof Hearted 31 May 11 10.52am

I was at my psychology class this morning and we were discussing Pavlov.

We agreed how stupid those dogs were...then the bell went and we all went to lunch.

 
rednblueblood 24 Jun 11 8.42pm

how do you get a fat girl into bed
...piece of cake

 

In dog beers I’ve only had one.
Liam t 24 Jun 11 8.58pm

I was in a black cab watching the meter whizzing round when I couldn't help telling the bloke how I felt:

"f*** me - look how much it is already and we've only gone about two miles!"
"Stuck at the lights and there's another quid. f***ing great!"
"This is just taking the piss now! That was only about 20 yards before it clicked up again."

Finally he'd had enough. "Can you keep it to yourself please driver?"

 
Cartoon Head Flag 01 Jul 11 3.46pm

last night i had a dream my house was being haunted by gloria gaynor,,,,,,,,,,,,,First I was afraid
I was petrified.

CH

 
Deleagle Flag "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 16 Jul 11 9.59pm

Holistic Medicine

Muhammad the pakistani came over from pakistan
and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to a couple of local GPs,but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said:

'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room,crap in de bucket, pee on de crap, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Muhammad took the bucket, went into the other room, crapped in the bucket, peed on the crap, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said,'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'.

 

What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.



Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

Deleagle Flag "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 16 Jul 11 10.09pm

Gynaecological Visit

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.


"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years.
There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water
was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink,
there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.


"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there
were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"


"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared
out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there,
it's nothing to be scared about," he said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you.....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late......delete now!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're simply going through the change!"

 

What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.



Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

Raven Flag South Croydon 18 Jul 11 10.59pm

Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here". The helium doesn't react.

 
Mr Statto Flag Ifield 04 Aug 11 6.16pm

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Can I get a large aperitif?"

Barman says, "I doubt it."

 

That's just the ramblings of a madman

EaglesFan Flag Under The Sea! 05 Aug 11 11.33am

First joke from me!

What do tornado's and women have in common? They suck they blow and then take ya house! :p

 

Be Loud Be Proud Be Palace!

Tune into Holmesdale Radio every Sunday night at 8pm for everything Palace!

Supporting Palace from the 12/05/94! Eagles!
Old Chap Flag Orpington 10 Aug 11 4.10pm

In the old wild west, a young native North American said to his father

"Dad, where do our names come from?"

father replies:-

"It is tradition that, when a child is born, we look outside the tepee & whatever we see is what the child is named

"So you brother is called 'Buffalo' because when he was born I saw a herd of bison.

"Your sister is named 'Rushing water' because we were camped by a river"

Boy says "Oh I see"

Dad says "And why do you ask Two dogs f***ing?"

 

Trivial fact - Palace used to win 5-1 at least once a season, maybe next season?
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