Did you hear about the short-sighted doctor who tried to perform a circumcision? He missed, and he got the sack.

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot Pool with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.

Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.
You don't need him any more! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!

They do not show The Flinstones in either Bahrain, Dubai or the United Arab Emirates ... but Abu Dabi do.

21 Great One Liners

“If you want your child to have a head start in the science industry then consider naming it ‘Et Al’. Get its name on a lot of science papers straight away."

"I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill."

"Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic."

"I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months."

"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas."

"My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne."

"I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice."

"People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer."

"I'm allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide I can do it by Ferrero Rocher."

"You have to think positively, for example, I don't have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity."

"Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday?"

"I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel."

"My name is Fin, which means it's very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious."

"Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry."

"Did you know Kinder Surprise is German for "unwanted pregnancy?""

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

"My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs."

"The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

"Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens."

"When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said: 'Oh, two or three'. She wondered why her marriage didn't work."

"Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat."

"Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them."

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

Top Tip...

If your mouth is freezing up in cold weather, the best thing to do is to grit your teeth.

To the man who pushed me out of the way of the baggage carousel at Heathrow airport earlier today..... remember, what goes around, comes around!

Why doesn't Elton John like Iceberg lettuce?

He's a Rocket man.

Welcome back Hoof

Living down here does have some advantages. At least you can see them cry.

dunno if this has been posted here before but it's a good un...

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f*** is that on the balcony with Dave?'

Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible God and destroys a visible Nature. Unaware that this Nature he’s destroying is this God he’s worshipping.

Hubert Reeves

Ok then hoof... i'm a fan of willo so hope he finds it funny too...

Willo was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Willo, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Willo and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Willo! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Willo's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Willo that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Willo says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Willo says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Willo on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Willo, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Willo, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Willo. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Willo and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Willo says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Willo emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Willo returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Willo asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f*** is that on the balcony with Willo?'

Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible God and destroys a visible Nature. Unaware that this Nature he’s destroying is this God he’s worshipping.

Hubert Reeves