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October 5 2022 11.51pm

I say,I say,I say......crap joke thread #2

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BlueJay Flag UK 17 Nov 21 10.03pm

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

 

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View monkey's Profile monkey Flag Sittingbourne,Kent/Made in Bromley 21 Dec 21 8.54pm Send a Private Message to monkey Add monkey as a friend

On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop!

Fortunately the lorry had exceedingly good brakes..

 

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View Zimeagle's Profile Zimeagle Flag Harare 27 Jan 22 3.06pm Send a Private Message to Zimeagle Add Zimeagle as a friend

Lost the pub quiz by one point......
The last question was " Where do women have the curliest hair"?

Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji.

 

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View Forest Hillbilly's Profile Forest Hillbilly Flag in a hidey-hole 27 Jan 22 4.53pm Send a Private Message to Forest Hillbilly Add Forest Hillbilly as a friend

One of Barry Cryer's best, apparently.

A woman walks past a petshop and sees a magnificent parrot in the window.

She rushes inside and says, 'How much for the parrot?'

'£5,' says the shopkeeper.

'Only £5? I've got to have it,' says the woman. 'Why's it so cheap?'

'Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,' said the shopkeeper. 'And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.'

'Never mind,' says the woman. 'At that price, I'll take it.'

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

'New place - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's two daughters walk in.

'New place, new girls - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, 'Oh hello, Keith!'

 


,.,.,..,

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View The Dolphin's Profile The Dolphin Flag 28 Jan 22 7.00am Send a Private Message to The Dolphin Add The Dolphin as a friend

Another Barry Cryer one -
A man and his wife are out walking one day when they spot a lone fellow on the other side of the road. "That looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury over there" says the woman. "
" Go and see if it is,” she adds.
The husband crosses the road and asks the man if he is indeed the Archbishop of Canterbury.
"f*** off," says the man.
The husband crosses back to his wife who asks "What did he say? Is he the Archbishop of Canterbury?"
"He told me to f*** off," says the husband.
"Oh no," replies the wife, "Now we'll never know".


 

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View Palace Old Geezer's Profile Palace Old Geezer Flag Midhurst 28 Jan 22 11.17am Send a Private Message to Palace Old Geezer Add Palace Old Geezer as a friend

Originally posted by Forest Hillbilly

One of Barry Cryer's best, apparently.

A woman walks past a petshop and sees a magnificent parrot in the window.

She rushes inside and says, 'How much for the parrot?'

'£5,' says the shopkeeper.

'Only £5? I've got to have it,' says the woman. 'Why's it so cheap?'

'Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,' said the shopkeeper. 'And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.'

'Never mind,' says the woman. 'At that price, I'll take it.'

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

'New place - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's two daughters walk in.

'New place, new girls - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, 'Oh hello, Keith!'

Very funny FH. What a genius Barry Crier was. This reminds me of a story my dear old Dad would come out with on a fairly regular basis. He couldn't tell it without chuckling himself.

Bloke goes into a Pet Shop and asks the salesman for a budgerigar that could whistle and sing well to keep him company.
Salesman offers him a bird that's singing it's little heart out, so he pays up and takes it home.
After a while the customer notices that his bird is hopping and standing on only one leg so he takes it back to the shop to complain.
'Ere, this bird has a gammy leg!' he grumbled
'You said you wanted a singer not a dancer!'

 


Dad and I watched games standing on the muddy slope of the Holmesdale Road end. He cheered and I rattled.

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View NEILLO's Profile NEILLO Flag Shoreham-by-Sea 28 Jan 22 11.45am Send a Private Message to NEILLO Add NEILLO as a friend

It's Jamaican hairstyle day at work next Friday.

I'm dreading it

 


Old, Ungifted and White

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 11 Feb 22 8.27am Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

I bought a wig made from bum hair yesterday. It was useless - it kept blowing off.

 

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View Nicholas91's Profile Nicholas91 Flag The Democratic Republic of Kent 11 Feb 22 6.52pm Send a Private Message to Nicholas91 Add Nicholas91 as a friend

I’m still very shaken up after being involved in a violent mugging at the weekend.

On the plus side, did make a few quid though.

 


Now Zaha's got a bit of green grass ahead of him here... and finds Ambrose... not a bad effort!!!!

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View BudgiesBeak's Profile BudgiesBeak Flag London 12 Feb 22 9.57am Send a Private Message to BudgiesBeak Add BudgiesBeak as a friend

I was sitting in the pub last night. A girl on the next table sneezed, and her glass eye flew out. I caught it and gave it back to her.
We got chatting, and we got on well. Later on she took me back to her place and we made passionate love to each other.
I said “Do you often shag guys within hours of meeting them?”
“No,” she said, “Only the ones that catch my eye.”

 

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View Glazier#1's Profile Glazier#1 Flag 15 Feb 22 8.52pm Send a Private Message to Glazier#1 Add Glazier#1 as a friend


Police were called to an incident: two young lads. One was drinking car battery acid, the other eating fireworks.


They charged one and let the other one off.

 

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View monkey's Profile monkey Flag Sittingbourne,Kent/Made in Bromley 15 Feb 22 9.39pm Send a Private Message to monkey Add monkey as a friend

Originally posted by Glazier#1


Police were called to an incident: two young lads. One was drinking car battery acid, the other eating fireworks.


They charged one and let the other one off.

The old ones are the best

 

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