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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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miles18 Flag Telford 28 Dec 12 9.25am

me: Hey Mike, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you have to answer either 'leave it', or 'take it'

Mike: Ok.

Me: You find £100,000 in a bag on the floor.
Do you leave it, or take it?

Mike: Leave it

Me: Good answer, next one. Someone comes up to you and hands you the keys to a Ferrari and says 'It's yours', do you leave it or take it?

Mike: Mmm...Take it!

Me: Last question. There's a dick in your ass, do you leave it or take it?

Mike: LEAV- I mean Ta- ...f*** you!

 



.

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lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 14 Jan 13 9.19pm Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

Some tosser has just written 'RETARD' in the snow on my windscreen.

It's taken me ages to lick it off

 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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Deleagle Flag "Bubba's bar 'n' grill" 14 Jan 13 10.31pm Send a Private Message to Deleagle Add Deleagle as a friend

Ive been in my attic and found a copy of a 1974 Radio Times, or the sex register as it is now called.

 


What can this strange device be?
When I touch it it gives forth a sound.



Eagles fit fans squad number 21, group 2

- =

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rednblueblood 17 Jan 13 12.04pm Send a Private Message to rednblueblood Add rednblueblood as a friend

As a child i was taken to church on a regular basis,i could not bear all the standing up,sitting down,kneeling.I wish the priest would just pick a position to f*** me in!

 


In dog beers I’ve only had one.

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Mikeybaby Flag 18 Jan 13 10.13am Send a Private Message to Mikeybaby Add Mikeybaby as a friend

I was sat on the bus behind a woman this morning and I tapped her on the shoulder and told her that she appeared to have some semen on the back of her coat.

Obviously she was a little embarrassed and she said it
was probably just yogurt or something to which I replied "I don't think so love, I don't ejaculate yogurt".

 

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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 23 Jan 13 12.42am Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

 


Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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Hoof Hearted 23 Jan 13 11.44am

I'm going out with a dental nurse called Jean.

She loves giving blowjobs and doing drugs.

She is known as Oral High Jean.

 

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Bin Liner Flag London , Southfields 25 Jan 13 1.07pm Send a Private Message to Bin Liner Add Bin Liner as a friend

Police have warned parents to be extra vigilant after 2 suspicious men have been seen around schools during this week clearing the snow that fallen around the UK, they are thought to be known as Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter

Edited by Bin Liner (25 Jan 2013 1.12pm)

 


Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 30 Jan 13 1.57am Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend

A few cr*p one-liners :-

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Velcro — what a rip off!

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 


Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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Superfly Flag The sun always shines in Catford 31 Jan 13 5.31pm Send a Private Message to Superfly Add Superfly as a friend

This only really works verbally, but I'll put it here & you can try it out


Scenario - you chilling with your dim witted friend


You: Did you hear about that Holywood actress that was stabbed? Reece something or other

DW Friend: Witherspoon?

You: No, with a knife

You - look smug

 


Lend me a Tenor

31 May to 3 June 2017

John McIntosh Arts Centre
London Oratory School
SW6 1RX

with Superfly in the chorus
[Link]

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Hoof Hearted 01 Feb 13 11.05am

Quote Cannonball at 30 Jan 2013 1.57am

A few cr*p one-liners :-

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Velcro — what a rip off!

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

Classic Tim Vine material!

 

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SloveniaDave Flag Tirana, Albania 05 Feb 13 9.03pm Send a Private Message to SloveniaDave Add SloveniaDave as a friend

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

 


Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

(Member of the School of Optimism 1969-2016 inclusive)

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