I was at the swimming baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed cos he blew his whistle that loud I nearly fell in!

Elton John and Gianfranco Zola were chatting before the Championship playoff final.
Elton: "If you get us promotion, I'll buy you a new Rolls Royce!"
Gianfranco: "What reg?"
Elton: "I SAID IF YOU GET US PROMOTION, I'LL BUY YOU A NEW ROLLS ROYCE!"

A woman was talking with her mother....

"I'm divorcing that pig husband of mine. Dirty filthy pig."

"Why" says the mother.

"He loves anal sex. All the time. When we first got married, mt arsehole was the size of a 5p piece. Now its the size of 50p"

"Have you thought about this ? You have a nice 5 bedroomed house. Your two lovely children go to public schools. You have two Porches in the garage. You have another house in Monaco and take three holidays a year"

"And you want to give all of that up for 45p ?

A man is driving home when he notices a sign outside a shop that reads talking dog for £5 see inside for details.

Intrigued he pulls up and walks in. He speaks to the shop owner and the guy tells him 'yeah the dog is in the back room, see for yourself'.

The bloke walks in and sure enough there is a rather old looking dog lying on the floor. It wakes up looks at the man and begins to talk.

'Hello there, Rover's the name'

The guy cannot believe what he is seeing 'you... you spoke, Jesus that's incredible, how did this start? tell me about yourself'.

And so the dog begins to tell his tale.

'The year was 1928, my mother was like any other Dalmatian bitch she had a healthy litter of 4 pups all were normal except one, me. I knew I was different from that moment, I learnt to speak like any child and grew up to lead an exceptional life. When the war started I signed up, no one suspected a dog, so I went behind enemy lined planting bombs and gathering intel, twice wounded I gained a medal of honour.
After that I began to travel I spent a brief time as a pirate before working in a bank in Egypt for a while,soon the Cold war began in Earnest and MI6 recruited me. I was to go to Moscow, pose as the pet of a high ranking KGB officer gathering intel for my handlers, I stopped world war 3 more times then I care to remember.
I got home after this but still I felt unfulfilled till I met her... to you she would seem like any other Labrodoodle, but to e she was special, me and Princess had a brood of our own, normal little pups they were but alas they all went to different owners, so here I settled, that's my life.

'That's incredible' The guy said.
He ran out to the shop owner and said your dog is inspirational I'll take him, but I have to ask, why only £5.

To which the shopkeeper replied 'He can talk alright, but he is full of sh*t, he's never done anything but walk around here and lick his balls'

Edited by coulsdoneagle (12 Jun 2013 9.04pm)

Man walks into bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says
"This is the pig ive got to shag now that youve got a headache"
His wife looks up from the bed and says
"I think youll find its a sheep not a pig"
Man says
"I think youll find I was talking to the sheep"

I've looked at this for a few minutes...and nope - still don't see the punchline.