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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 12 Nov 12 7.35pm

A touching love story from Jamaica:

Donovan was on his death bed. His wife Leila was maintaining a vigil at his bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale, cracked lips began to move slightly.
"Meh dahlin' Leila," he whispered.
"Hush meh love.", she said, "Rest. Shhhhhh... nuh talk. "
He was insistent. "Leila.", he said in his tired voice, "Me have somet'ing me hafi confess to yuh."
"Yuh have nuttin to confess.", replied the weeping Leila. "Everyt'ing alright, go to sleep meh love."
"No. No, me hafi die in peace meh love. Me sleep wid yuh sista, yuh best frien' an' yuh mudda."
"Me know...”, answered Leila, "Dat ah why me poison yuh rass."

 


Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

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Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 12 Nov 12 7.48pm

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and Pumice Stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and runs red hot. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces and wrap self in towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers, (if you can find them). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey!! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth? Don't need one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud fart sounds in shower. Wash bollocks and surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back
curtain to see self in mirror. Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for
whole shower time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's clothes.

 


Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

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Mikeybaby Flag 19 Nov 12 10.51am Send a Private Message to Mikeybaby Add Mikeybaby as a friend

I called Babestation last night;

The woman said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you, you gorgeous stud?"

"Fcuking hide", I said "The missus is coming and I've lost the remote."

 

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Bin Liner Flag London , Southfields 21 Nov 12 2.11pm Send a Private Message to Bin Liner Add Bin Liner as a friend

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents last week, after saying hello my dad pulled me to one side and whispered " you could have done better then that son,she's the ugliest pig I've ever seen! she must weigh 20 odd stone,covered in spots,lips like a cod,she's got a beard,she's crossed eyed, going bald,size 15 feet and she f/ucking stinks!
I said "there no need to whisper dad she's deaf as well"

 


Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound

Boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly

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moylerg Flag Cofton Hackett, Worcestershire 22 Nov 12 8.58pm Send a Private Message to moylerg Add moylerg as a friend

What cheese can you hide a horse with?
Mascarpone

What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with?
Camenbert

My son is having issues at school because he likes two bags. I think he may be bi-satchel.

Edited by moylerg (22 Nov 2012 8.59pm)

 


Most certainly not European.

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Therealeaglestilidie Flag 22 Nov 12 9.03pm Send a Private Message to Therealeaglestilidie Add Therealeaglestilidie as a friend

What cheese can you hide a horse with?
Mascarpone

What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with?
Camenbert

My son is having issues at school because he likes two bags. I think he may be bi-satchel.

Yes, I've got the Tim Vine DVD too !!

 


I'm so Palace I don't even know it

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moylerg Flag Cofton Hackett, Worcestershire 22 Nov 12 9.04pm Send a Private Message to moylerg Add moylerg as a friend

Quote Therealeaglestilidie at 22 Nov 2012 9.03pm

What cheese can you hide a horse with?
Mascarpone

What cheese do you coax a bear from his cave with?
Camenbert

My son is having issues at school because he likes two bags. I think he may be bi-satchel.

Yes, I've got the Tim Vine DVD too !!

Still excellent crap jokes!

Edited by moylerg (22 Nov 2012 9.05pm)

 


Most certainly not European.

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Horley Eagle Flag Somewhere only I know 30 Nov 12 11.04am Send a Private Message to Horley Eagle Add Horley Eagle as a friend

Took my wife to a nightclub last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor moonwalking, body popping and break dancing. My wife turned to me and said "See that bloke there? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I looked at my wife and said "Looks like he's still celebrating."

Edited by Horley Eagle (30 Nov 2012 11.05am)

 


Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

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becky Flag over the moon 09 Dec 12 11.52am Send a Private Message to becky Holmesdale Online Elite Member Add becky as a friend

DOG FOR SALE

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog for Sale.’ He rings the bell; the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

...
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years.”

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying b******. He's never been out of the garden."

 


A stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell give some indication of expected traffic numbers

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Joseph Paxton Flag Lancing 21 Dec 12 3.15pm Send a Private Message to Joseph Paxton Add Joseph Paxton as a friend

After no dates for 5 years Lynn goes to see Chinese Sex Therapist, Dr Chang.

He says "Take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside of room."

She does. "Ok craw reery reery fast back"

As she did Dr Chang shook his head, "Yor probrem vewy vewy bad, worst case Ed Zachary disease I ever see, dat why you get no man."

She says: "God! what's Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang says "Its when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse"

 


Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.

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Crystal_Brother Flag Overlooking a kingdom of Pagans 21 Dec 12 3.43pm Send a Private Message to Crystal_Brother Add Crystal_Brother as a friend

3 old ladies sitting on a wall, enjoying a chit chat.
Man comes along in an old anorak,
Flashes the old ladies..
In shock, 2 of the ladies had a stroke.
But the other couldn't reach.

 


"Floating endlessly in indefinite skies of grey,
I have succommed to my misery, Gentleman in black, Please take me away. Draw a line on my page and promise not to weep. As an end is all I ever did seek."

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Catfish Flag Burgess Hill 23 Dec 12 12.22pm

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle.

 


Yes, I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial

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