My mate just got sacked from Majestic Wines. A muslim asked him to recommend a port and he said "Try Dover."

Pinch me, I'm dreaming, but if it is don't let me know.

cost of living is so bad at the moment the wife is having sex with me again because she cant afford batteries.

off to my mums funeral today keen palace fan sadly missed

I wouldn't say the wife is big but she does keep her diapragm in a pizza box.

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them.

I went to a Tesco café yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes — a fiver each way.’

Does anyone have a tooth pick? I had a Tesco burger last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth.

My daughter has always wanted a pony, so I’m buying her a Tesco Quarter Pounder for her birthday.

I’ve got some Tesco burgers in the fridge. But . . . THEY’RE OFFFFFFFFF!

My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National.

If you think horse meat’s bad, wait until you try Tesco’s veggie burgers. They’re made of genuine uniQuorn.

Scientist: ‘Sir, we’ve discovered horse meat in your burgers.’
Tesco boss: ‘Why the long face?’

I won’t eat Tesco burgers. They may be low in fat, but they have a very high Shergar content.

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.

What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty.

A motorist gets pulled over by a police officer, who asks him to blow into a breathalyser. The machine beeps.
‘I’m sorry Sir,’ says the officer. ‘You’re over the limit. Can you tell me what you have had tonight?’
‘Nothing Officer,’ replies the man. ‘Just a burger from Tesco.’
‘That explains it,’ says the policeman. ‘I knew I could smell Red Rum.’

They’ve found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It’s an unbridled disaster.

A Tesco burger walks into a bar. ‘A pint please.’
‘I can’t hear you,’ says the barman.
‘Sorry’ replies the burger. ‘I’m a little bit horse.’

I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then clicked ‘Add to cart.’

Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

A woman has been taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.

I used to work on the Tesco meat counter, but it was like flogging a dead horse.

Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger to find out which had the best taste.
Tesco won by a short head.

I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.

Have you heard? Now traces of zebra have been found in Tesco barcodes.

I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger. I didn’t realise they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup.

I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.

Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?

I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them.

Husband: ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.’
Wife: ‘Why don’t you go to Tesco?’

Personally, I think people who don’t like eating horse meat are being a bit blinkered.

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?

I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers. They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony.

I was going to give up fast food for January, but I fell at the final hurdle and had a Tesco burger.

Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.

Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’.

Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’
And the most groan-inducing . . .
What’s in this burger? It just jumped over my chips.
I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden. There’s been horse meat in Tesco burgers for donkey’s years.

I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise.

I hope Tesco were selling those burgers at hoof price.

So there’s horse meat in Tesco’s burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient.

Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres.

I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear.

I ordered a Tesco burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage.

Tesco would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.

48 cans of Red Bull stolen from the BP Garage, Chester Rd. How do these people sleep at night?

Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!