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I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Johnny Eagles Flag berlin 17 Aug 12 4.11pm Send a Private Message to Johnny Eagles Add Johnny Eagles as a friend

I saw this fat girl struggling to get a couple of large, and obviously heavy, boxes down some steps and into her car.

"You look like you need a big strong man to help you with those" I said to her.

"Oooh thank you" she said, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Well, maybe if you lost some weight, you'd get one, love" I replied, walking off.

 


...we must expand...get more pupils...so that the knowledge will spread...

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nickyf 17 Aug 12 6.14pm Send a Private Message to nickyf Add nickyf as a friend

BREAKING NEWS: Robin Van Persie's North London flat was last night set on fire. Police suspect Arsene!!

 

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nickyf 17 Aug 12 6.18pm Send a Private Message to nickyf Add nickyf as a friend

Quote Johnny Eagles at 17 Aug 2012 4.11pm

I saw this fat girl struggling to get a couple of large, and obviously heavy, boxes down some steps and into her car.

"You look like you need a big strong man to help you with those" I said to her.

"Oooh thank you" she said, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Well, maybe if you lost some weight, you'd get one, love" I replied, walking off.


-----------------------------------------------------

wicked but funny

 

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DevonDan28 Flag Midlands 19 Aug 12 9.51pm Send a Private Message to DevonDan28 Add DevonDan28 as a friend

Last night vandals broke into the local Chinese restaurant and completely ransacked it.

Police have described it as Wonton destruction.

 

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Palacetinian Flag Surrey Fam 21 Aug 12 8.56am Send a Private Message to Palacetinian Add Palacetinian as a friend

Top one liners from the Edinburgh festival! The top jokes were:

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know why."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

 


Supporting Crystal Palace since 19.45 on 29th August 1972 (approximately)!

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lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 24 Aug 12 10.51am Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

I was walking through Liverpool today when I was stopped by a young kid outside a newsagents.

"Can you buy me some cigarettes please?" he asked.

"Sorry mate, no," I replied.

"Come on," he said, "They're not for me, they're for my mum."

"Well, why can't the lazy bitch get them herself?" I asked.

"She's not 18 until February," came the reply.

 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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Cannonball Flag High in the Ozarks. 27 Aug 12 1.23pm Send a Private Message to Cannonball Add Cannonball as a friend


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"


 


Touch my coffee and I will slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

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lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 28 Aug 12 3.45pm Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend


In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3,”
rather than, “I’ve just f**k** a fourteen year old escort.”


The police still haven’t seen the funny side of it, and they’ve confiscated my laptop.


However, the news isn’t all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.

 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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jelholyoake Flag 28 Aug 12 10.28pm

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

 


When i see him, it's gonna be painful. Skinny little cont.

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Mikeybaby Flag 29 Aug 12 11.33am Send a Private Message to Mikeybaby Add Mikeybaby as a friend

Some hippy threw a box of joss sticks at me last night.

I was incensed..

 

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lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 30 Aug 12 2.53pm Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

Arthur is 85 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."

"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"

"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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MONITORGEEZER Flag LIngfield 05 Sep 12 11.39am Send a Private Message to MONITORGEEZER Add MONITORGEEZER as a friend

I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife’s request and found out our new family doctor is a young female & drop-dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed but she said,

"Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out?"

I thought for a moment then I said, "My wife thinks my p**** tastes of strawberries."

 

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