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May 19 2022 11.37pm

I say,I say ,I say.....crap joke thread! (LOCKED)

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Hoof Hearted 13 Nov 13 11.15am

I woke up in intensive care after an accident and this gorgeous nurse said to me "You may not feel anything from the waist down".

I mumbled "Can I feel your t1ts then love?".

 

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View Spiderman's Profile Spiderman Flag Horsham 13 Nov 13 12.33pm Send a Private Message to Spiderman Add Spiderman as a friend

Archaeologists have just found another mysterious tomb in Egypt. The mummy has been covered in nuts and chocolate.

They believe this is the tomb of Pharoah Roccer!!

 

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Hoof Hearted 14 Nov 13 10.41am

An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face.

Chinda Goodunpropa denies the charge.

 

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View westquay's Profile westquay Flag 58 miles from se25 14 Nov 13 11.09am Send a Private Message to westquay Add westquay as a friend

Billy Graham the evangelist is at wembley with a massive crowd in front of him.
After a while he calls to the audience for people with problems to get up on to stage to be cured by the power of prayer.
Two guys get onto the stage.
He says to the first "Welcome, whats your name"?
"By dames Nim" He says.
"Sorry" says Billy Graham.
"By dames nim" He repeats.
"Oh Jim" Says Graham. "Thats a bad speech impediment you have there".
So he says to the second guy who is on crutches.
"And who are you"
"My names Harry and I cant walk without crutches"
"Oh I,m sorry Harry"
"I want you guys to go behind the screen and with the power of prayer we will cure you"
So they go behind the screen,theres prayers,singing and
Praise.
The place falls silent.
"Pull back the screen" cries Billy Graham.
"Harry through away your crutches"
Harry throws his crutches away.
"Jim say something."
Jim says "by dames nim and Harrys felled over".

 


"Numb,gutted and shocked . Three words that sum up how I feel."
"Passionate,principled, genius. Three words that sum up Joe Strummer"
Martin Scorcese, Film director.

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Hoof Hearted 14 Nov 13 2.37pm

I got injured at the circus when the bearded lady fired a dwarf out of a cannon who landed on my head.

On the "Where's there's blame there's a claim" basis I tried to claim for compensation but the judge said it was a freak accident.

 

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View lanzarote ron's Profile lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 14 Nov 13 5.17pm Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

The new Royal Baby, George, is not even 4 months old and he's already done three things on my bucket list:

1. Become a billionaire

2. Met the Queen

3. Sucked Kate Middleton's T1ts

 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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View lanzarote ron's Profile lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 14 Nov 13 5.35pm Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said - "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.


"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."


"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.


I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ..."


Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that, Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get foocked."

 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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Hoof Hearted 16 Nov 13 6.06pm

Quote winksie at 22 Jun 2013 9.52pm

What did Sir Alan Sugar say to the gone off milk?

Your expired!

(made that one up myself)


DON'T give up your day job.

 

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View lanzarote ron's Profile lanzarote ron Flag East Grinstead 17 Nov 13 12.54pm Send a Private Message to lanzarote ron Add lanzarote ron as a friend

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cases of beer cheap

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a petrol station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

 


When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

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View rednblueblood's Profile rednblueblood 17 Nov 13 11.23pm Send a Private Message to rednblueblood Add rednblueblood as a friend

Tom is cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. Cop pulls him over.

"Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home."

"What?! You're intoxicated?"

"Well I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though, I managed to fit the body in the trunk."

"Sir, keep your hands where I can see them. Give me your license and registration right now."

"Well I would but it's in the glove box where I threw the gun, it's still pretty bloody and I don't want it to fall out until it's dried."

"Do. Not. Move. I'm calling for back-up."

Back-up gets there. Second officer gets out, and says

"Sir, please open your trunk."

Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle.

"Please show me your glove box."

Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license and registration.

"I'll need you to take a breathalyzer."

Tom blows a .00

"Well what's going on? This officer said you had a dead body in the trunk, a bloody gun in the glove box and were drunk."

Tom says,

"Ha, I bet he said I was speeding, too.

 


Killing threads on here since 2005

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View Harpo's Profile Harpo Flag Oxfordshire 05 Dec 13 1.07pm Send a Private Message to Harpo Add Harpo as a friend

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch
a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over and sign for Liverpool.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to
Newcastle with only 20 minutes left.

The manager gives the young
Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in
20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players are delighted and the coach is delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones
his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played
for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful' says his mum, 'Let me tell
you about my day'. 'Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle'. 'Your brother has joined a local gang of
looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say
mum, but I'm really sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum. 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

 

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View cpfcarcher's Profile cpfcarcher Flag Crouch End 05 Dec 13 4.31pm Send a Private Message to cpfcarcher Add cpfcarcher as a friend

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Quote Hoof Hearted at 14 Nov 2013 2.37pm

I got injured at the circus when the bearded lady fired a dwarf out of a cannon who landed on my head.

On the "Where's there's blame there's a claim" basis I tried to claim for compensation but the judge said it was a freak accident.


 


"Hes a footballer who wants to play football, which obviously helps" Tony Pulis

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