I woke up in intensive care after an accident and this gorgeous nurse said to me "You may not feel anything from the waist down".

I mumbled "Can I feel your t1ts then love?".

An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face.

Chinda Goodunpropa denies the charge.

I got injured at the circus when the bearded lady fired a dwarf out of a cannon who landed on my head.

On the "Where's there's blame there's a claim" basis I tried to claim for compensation but the judge said it was a freak accident.

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said - "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that, Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get foocked."

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cases of beer cheap

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a petrol station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

When you're dead you don't know you're dead.

It is difficult only for the others.

It's the same when you're stupid.

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch
a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over and sign for Liverpool.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to
Newcastle with only 20 minutes left.

The manager gives the young
Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in
20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players are delighted and the coach is delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones
his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played
for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful' says his mum, 'Let me tell
you about my day'. 'Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle'. 'Your brother has joined a local gang of
looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say
mum, but I'm really sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum. 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'