He he he.Nice one jel.
I do have another one.....
In my early 20's I lived with this girl (on the Downham estate...nice!)We went out one Saturday night to her mate's engagement party.It was the first time I'd met her mate's boyfriend who seemed like a nice bloke.I took my fave tipple,about 6 crates of Manns Brown.He kept filling me glass up for me but I'd noticed that I was getting pissed quicker than usual.Turns out that the prick had been putting Cinzano into me Brown!She phoned for a taxi and after honking up inside the poor b******'s Sierra,finally got home.She ran a bath for me and promptly told me to...'get in there you filthy b******'.
I was too drunk to get out of the bath when the stomach rumbling started.I tried but my drunken arms just slipped off the sides of the bath.It was at that point that a fairly big brown cloud appeared!
I got a black eye for my trouble.
Pretty soon after,the relationship started to fizzle out.....can't think why.

24 years Sir

Twas about 1 in the morning and i was woken by the sound of wretching in the toilet. I felt to my right and my woman wasn't there so i put 2 and 2 together and came up with her barking her bits up.
Now the site of someone or even the smell of sick, makes me wanna bark, but, being the dutiful husband i decided to go and see if she was alright. As i opened the toilet door, there she was on her hands and knees praying to the toilet and making these God awful noises and whimpering at the same time. I took a step forward (i was naked) and put a comforting hand on her back as well as telling her she would be ok whilst leaning against the wall (one hand over my mouth, the other pinching my nose. Now as anyone who has had gastro blah blah will know that it's a bit nasty, but i was there for her.
I was starting to fall asleep when all of a sudden all the muscles in her body went haywire and there was the sound of sick and another sound of 'splatt'. I looked down and my bits were literally covered in s***. I barked immediately and legged it into the bathroom where i grabbed the shower head to wash this cow pat that was festooned upon me. I started to be sick as the smell hit me, then was sick again as the smell from her sick hit me. It took me an hour to get completely clean. I went downstairs to drink some milk to settle my stomach and get a clean towel to put over my face. When i got back upstairs our bathroom and toilet looked like a major illness zone...and she was fast asleep in bed. The smell was unbelievable making me sleep downstairs continuously spraying lynx to negate 'upstairs'. To compound everything i woke at 6 a.m to my elderly labrador licking my face, which wasn't nice as every time i saw him he was licking his balls and arse.
All these years later we laugh about it, it always makes a funny BBQ story.
Would have been better if it had happened to someone else though.

Jel

Some exceptionally amusing tales on here. I've heard many other similar stories that would likely result from casual sex and excessive drinking. Girls and guys pissing the bed, being sick before during and after sex, farting during oral sex, etc. etc. A couple that spring to mind though:

1. A friend of mine has had two one night stands in the last year, both times in fancy dress. The first time he was dressed as an oompa loompa, the second as a mutant ninja turtle. Both were 'poor performances' by his own admission because he was so pissed, but I think the more comical of the two was when he was dressed as the turtle.

Apparently when he got back to hers he was holding her rabbit (not in any euphemistic sense) and it took a swipe at him giving him a nosebleed. The resulting sex therefore involved a lot of green paint and blood. Eventually it became more trouble than it was worth and apparently the two 'gave up' and went to sleep. In the morning he popped on his shell and left. Now that's a walk of shame.

2. I've also heard of a guy who was having a one night stand with a girl who started to slide some beads up his arse. He let it go on because he was enjoying himself, but as he was about to 'arrive' she suggested he do so upon her chest. Being a gent he obliged willingly, only to find that as he did so, she ripped the beads out of his arse and he shat all over her.

In horror he wheeled away into the bathroom shouting apologies as he cleared himself up, only to return to see her lying on the bed rubbing the resulting mess all over herself. Needless to say he scarpered fairly rapidly.

3. Perhaps the best story I've heard was on Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned. Apparently a girl was babysitting and the parents had only just left and the kids were in bed, so she invited her boyfriend round for (to cut a long story short) anal sex on the sofa. All was going well until she 'lost control' and covered the sofa in sh*t.

They attempted a clean up operation, naturally, but with limited success. When the parents arrived home, the babysitter explained that the dog had made a mess on the sofa. Thinking she'd got away with it, she went home a few quid richer, only to discover later that week that the parents had put the dog down as a result.

well bombed Kermit.nothing goes like an Aussie bird.